Sex is a process. It's a beautiful, fun and wonderfully messy process that involves several stages of arousal and response. Orgasm (alongside desire, excitement, plateau, and resolution) is just one stage of sexual response, but it tends to get the most attention. Though orgasms can be great (sometimes better than great), they aren't always earth-shattering and shouldn't be universally regarded as the main event.

Sex is often reduced to orgasm alone and this can put undue performance pressure on both women and men. While I'm an avid fan of performance when it comes to sex, pressure should never be a part of the equation. Our nervous systems don't respond naturally or optimally when we're put under pressure and this lessens our ability to experience pleasure. Our sexual response cycle, which includes blood circulation, erection, lubrication and muscle relaxation, is also negatively impacted. I'm not suggesting we forget about orgasms all together, but simply that we focus on other...

I hear about this concern from both men and women: "It takes her forever to come!"

A well-intentioned male client recently complained to me that despite forty or fifty minutes of hard penile thrusting (ouch!), his wife struggles to reach orgasm. Another friend mentioned that she used to reach orgasm so quickly with her super-hot partner, but lately is taking longer to reach her Niagara Falls-like moment of bliss. Neither of these situations is uncommon.

Lots of women require relaxed, prolonged and varied stimulation to get to the point of no return. And vaginal stimulation is often not enough. Do not be mistaken -- there are also women who reach orgasm in a matter of seconds - some without any genital stimulation at all, and they're the ones wishing their partners would hurry up already. But there seems to be undue pressure on women to reach the heights of ecstasy within a short period of time.

Ladies: whatever your ambitions (faster orgasms, more intense orgasms, multiple orgasms),...

This is the workshop for which I received the most thanks from the female attendees. Going down on a woman can be a wonderful source of pleasure for all parties involved and we can all use a few suggestions to improve our repertoire. I list a few tidbits below and welcome your recommendations and feedback.

General Suggestions:

• Communication is of utmost importance for mutual enjoyment. Ask your partner what she likes and welcome her reactions.
• A good partner is eager to offer constructive feedback and show appreciation for her partner's efforts.
• Safer sex practices for cunnilingus involve the use of barrier methods such as dental dams.
• For increased sensation and pleasure, apply a water-based lubricant to both sides of the dental dam.
• Consider pleasuring and teasing her entire body before proceeding to her vulva. 

Grooving:

• Gently run your tongue between the grooves of her outer and inner labia.
• Alternate your breathing patterns to stimulate her...

Continued from the previous post...

Feel out their responses to understand their mental trigger points and build on them. If your partner loves to hear about sex in exotic/public places, keep changing the scenarios to add variety. Tie in real-life elements (sex in the workplace or in the car) to make it seem attainable and further entrench their interest. And if your fantasies are highly divergent (they like sex in public places and you just love the chill of handcuffs) combine your fantasies to create a new script (sex in the park with the pigeons watching while you’re tied up to the bench). Talking about or envisioning an ultimate scenario, partner, body part or other fantasy object right before climax can enhance your body’s response and intensify your orgasmic experience.

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And don’t worry about stretching the truth a little. In a committed relationship with open communication, telling your partner that you’d love to see...

I recently hosted a training session on enhancing and supporting the sex lives of people living with HIV/Aids. Part of the workshop involved driving home the message that sex encompasses a wide range of amazingly pleasurable activities beyond plain old intercourse. While intercourse (of many varieties) can be awesome, we limit our potential for pleasure when we restrict sex to intercourse alone.

There are so many wonderful reasons to expand our sexual repertoire and potential beyond the confines of intercourse:

1. Pleasure – lots of things feel so good!
2. Safety – some activities reduce the risk of pregnancy and STI infection.
3. Excitement – it’s fun and stimulating to try new things.
4. Intimacy building – some activities are more likely to facilitate bonding between partners
5. Self-expression.
6. Variety – it’s the spice of life and repetition can get boring.
7. Learning – sex for educational purposesJ
8. Orgasms – they can be experienced...

The following post is intended for those over the age of 18. If you are not yet 18, please access www.sexualityandu.com for accurate sex information.

As promised, I describe another oral sex term below: The Aficionado. This one is for all the men and women who love women, enjoy pleasing us and keeping us coming back for more.

Once again, I can only offer my personal thoughts based on my own experience, research and conversations with other women. This is not a prescription for great cunnilingus, but just a description of one possible approach to fun, sensual muff-diving. Contrary to the popular belief that “anything you do feels good down there”, each woman has a set of unique desires and responses and open communication is the best way to learn about what she loves. This open communication should be a two-way street in which she gives encouraging feedback and you ask supportive questions.

Encouraging feedback might include the following requests/responses: Faster. Oh...

This post contains sexually explicit content and is intended for those over the age of 18. If you are under 18 and would like reliable information on sexuality, please see www.sexualityandu.com.

Listing a bunch of fun oral sex moves in yesterday's post elicited some requests for detailed explanations. I describe The Butterfly below and promise to add a few more later in the week. To learn more, please join me at my sex workshops at Desire Resort and Spa.

I want to preface these explanations by stating that there is no perfect recipe for great sex or mind-blowing sex moves. The most effective way to please your partner (or yourself) is to experiment and ask for honest feedback. Our sexual desires, fantasies and tastes are as unique as our fingerprints, so the techniques described below are merely suggestions. I encourage you to add your personal touch. Vary speed, pressure, movements, lubrication, suction and positions until you find a few (or a whole bunch) of combinations that do...

Timing is key to exciting sex. Consider having sex…

Before dinner: the traditional date night involves some food, wine, movies and/or dancing. While I love all of the above and each of these date components can put you in a sexy mood, they can also tire you out. So why not try sex before the date begins? You’ll have more energy earlier in the evening and won’t be weighed down by foods that make you feel bloated. Moreover, satisfying sex releases oxytocin and endorphins that help you relax and calm nerves.

In the morning: put that morning wood and/or relaxed state of mind to good use and have sex as soon as you wake up. Try it on Monday mornings to jump-start your week!

In the middle of the workday (Afternoon Delight): sex in its many forms (including self-pleasure) can relieve stress, so why not engage in sexual activity in the middle of a stressful day to ease tensions? Set a date with yourself or your partner(s) to meet in a hotel room or other private...

I’m a sexologist. I study sex: what people do and how they feel about it. It’s a tough job, but someone has got to do it.

At cocktail parties, people are intrigued by my profession and I’m flooded with questions:

How did I get into sexology?

I started as a sexual health peer counsellor in undergrad and realized how much we all have to learn about sex.

Am I really into sex?

Oh yes.

Do I work with people with sexual dysfunctions?

Sometimes. But others with already-great sex lives come to sexologists for healthy enrichment strategies.

What’s it like to hear about people’s most personal secrets?

It’s fun, exciting, interesting and natural. Most importantly, it’s an ongoing learning process and I think I provide a valuable (and rare) outlet for discussing the vital subject of sex.

Does my husband know he’s a lucky guy?

Heck yeah. And I’m lucky too.

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But what people really want to talk about are their own...