“I’ll never have a sexual life like other women.”

“I’m too wounded to have a good sexual life or relationship.”

“It’s just not in the cards for me.”

“Everyone else is fixable—but me.”

“My perfect relationship just doesn’t exist.”

I hear these things all the time from people—women, especially. People often go to a place of disbelief about having what they really desire because on some level it’s safer to believe they just can’t have it. If they just accept that they can’t really have what they want, they don’t have to do anything different, challenge themselves anew and risk the possibility of it being true. So they just decide it’s inevitable.

It’s only true if you believe it to be.

You create your life, every minute of every day.

This scarcity belief is a way to protect the self from further hurt and it keeps you small. If this sounds like you or someone you know, you probably come by this pattern in an honest way, probably from your family of origin. You learned not to ask ...

In previous pieces, I have covered how sex is not a one-way experience (in ‘Don’t Lie Back and Think of England’), as well as how sex can be like an elephant in the bedroom when it comes to communicating any problems that might be occurring. This week, I would like to suggest ways in which we can get feedback from our partner after a sexual experience. And when I say sexual experience, I am not limiting it to just penetrative sex.

Open-Ended Questions

You can begin asking your partner what the sexual experience was like:

“Sweetheart, how was it for you?” or “How was it just now?”

If feedback is restricted to one-word answers or not forthcoming, you can elaborate by saying: “Ok… You know, I would really like to hear what you like about it and what would make it better. Could you share more with me?”

An open-ended question allows for your partner to communicate as little or as much as desired.

Breaking the questions down might be easier:

“How was it?”

“What was good about it?”

“...

Continued from Part 1 here...

Closed-Ended Questions

All of us would have inadvertently said something to hurt someone. Hence, when you try to get sexual feedback from your partner, their own fears of hurting you will come into play. They are not just worried of potentially hurting you, but also have a disbelief that you are genuinely willing and open to hear from them. It will take a while before your partner will begin to talk more openly about their sexual experiences.

If you have limited success with open-ended questions, don’t give up. This is where you move onto closed-ended questions such as:

“Did you notice when I did…..?” (Yes or No)

“Did you like it when I did it?” (If your partner does not remember, you could imitate what you did previously.)

“Was your orgasm the same, less or more intense than the last time?” (There is only one answer.)

This is where you can encourage further dialogue by reverting to a few open-ended questions:

“That’s interesting. Could you tell me...

Instead of comparing ourselves to porn stars (actors) and fictional characters, a little re-education is all we need to feel more empowered and have better sex. Read on as we dispel some of the top myths about the female orgasm.

The female orgasm is a wondrous thing, but when it comes to understanding the phenomenon, misinformation abounds. From the exaggerated displays in mainstream porn to the sure-fire simultaneous and almost non-stop orgasms of Fifty Shades of Grey, it’s no surprise that confusion and feelings of inadequacy have become the norm.

Instead of comparing ourselves to porn stars (actors) and fictional characters, a little re-education is all we need to feel more empowered and have better sex. Read on as we dispel some of the top myths about the female orgasm.

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Myth: The louder the screams, the bigger the orgasm.

Thanks to the fact that most of us learn what sex looks and sounds like through porn, we are misled into believing that earth-shattering screams ...

The Partner Interview

I love my job! As a sexologist, I work with thousands of clients each year to support them in building happy, healthy relationships and sex lives.

One of the best parts of my work involves facilitating workshops for couples. From the chilly Great White North to the sunny shores of the Caribbean, I teach classes on everything from sexual communication and trust to kink and sexual technique. Since the most rewarding part of running workshops is the feedback I receive from clients, I thought I’d share an exercise that always receives rave reviews: The Partner Interview.

This exercise involves a very simple set of questions that you take turn answering with your lover. Here are just a few reasons why my clients and I love it:

1.You can repeat it every few months and learn something new every time.

2.It opens up new conversations.

3.You can add your own questions to suit your personal needs.

4.Even if you don’t use all the information right away, you’ll find tha...

Dildos

Dildos are sex toys designed for vaginal or anal penetration and they can take on a variety of shapes and textures. Though dildos don’t move on their own (unlike vibrators), their curves, shapes, sizes and materials make for great sexual props for fun do-it-yourself sex play.

Double Penetration

Double Penetration (DP) often refers to the simultaneous penetration of both the vagina and anus by two different objects. While pornography often portrays DP involving one woman and two men, many people partake in DP using one penis and one toy like an anal plug, vibrator or strap-on.

DATY

DATY stands for Dining At The Y and is another term for cunnilingus or going down on a woman. Click here for some pointers.

Daisy Chains

A Daisy Chain is a group sex activity in which all members both give and receive oral sex simultaneously. Named after a string of daisy flowers linked together into a wreath, the sexier version of the daisy chain requires at least three participants to be diffe...

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C is for Cupping:

Cupping is a form of sex play in which suction cups are placed on the skin to draw blood to the surface. Cups come in varying sizes (to suit different body parts) and some use a suction cup or vacuum to create suction, while others use heat. Specialty kits designed for the explicit purpose of cupping can be purchased from sex stores and practitioners need to exercise caution when playing with suction and fire. I advise clients to take a workshop to learn about safety measures associated with cupping and discuss safety measures with their local sex-positive retailer.

C is also for the CAT position.

Designed for penile-vaginal intercourse, the CAT offers clitoral stimulation against the male’s pelvic bone. The CAT is a basic modification of the missionary position that involves the man riding up on a woman’s pelvis so they can rock and rub the clitoris against the base of his penis and/or pelvic bone. This is how the CAT breaks down:

1. The woman lies on
...

I’m a sexologist. I study sex: what people do and how they feel about it. It’s a tough job, but someone has got to do it.

At cocktail parties, people are intrigued by my profession and I’m flooded with questions:

How did I get into sexology?

I started as a sexual health peer counsellor in undergrad and realized how much we all have to learn about sex.

Am I really into sex?

Oh yes.

Do I work with people with sexual dysfunctions?

Sometimes. But others with already-great sex lives come to sexologists for healthy enrichment strategies.

What’s it like to hear about people’s most personal secrets?

It’s fun, exciting, interesting and natural. Most importantly, it’s an ongoing learning process and I think I provide a valuable (and rare) outlet for discussing the vital subject of sex.

Does my husband know he’s a lucky guy?

Heck yeah. And I’m lucky too.

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But what people really want to talk about are their own sex lives. They want reassurance that the things they do are no...