Getting Feedback After Sex: Part 2

Continued from Part 1 here...

Closed-Ended Questions

All of us would have inadvertently said something to hurt someone. Hence, when you try to get sexual feedback from your partner, their own fears of hurting you will come into play. They are not just worried of potentially hurting you, but also have a disbelief that you are genuinely willing and open to hear from them. It will take a while before your partner will begin to talk more openly about their sexual experiences.

If you have limited success with open-ended questions, don’t give up. This is where you move onto closed-ended questions such as:

“Did you notice when I did…..?” (Yes or No)

“Did you like it when I did it?” (If your partner does not remember, you could imitate what you did previously.)

“Was your orgasm the same, less or more intense than the last time?” (There is only one answer.)

This is where you can encourage further dialogue by reverting to a few open-ended questions:

“That’s interesting. Could you tell me more?”

“Really? Why (gently) do you think that is so?”

If your partner asks you why you have recently begun asking so many questions after sex, you could reply:

“I really want to learn more about you, what works and what would make it better… and I think one of the ways to do so is talking about it. I really want to know because I care about you.”

Or:

“I want us to be able to talk about sex and our sexual experiences. This is how one way we can learn more about each other. Is it okay?”

This is not an interrogation. There is no point pushing it if your partner is clearly uncomfortable talking about sex. Try again the next time, and the next. What you want to do is begin to open more dialogue about sex, and stopping that dialogue when your partner wishes to do so is a part of it. You will notice that with each attempt to discuss your sexual experiences, it will become easier. It takes time and it is well worth it to go slow.

About The Author

Dr. Martha Lee is Founder and Clinical Sexologist of Eros Coaching. She is a certified sexologist with a Doctorate in Human Sexuality. She provides sexuality and intimacy coaching for individuals and couples, conducts sexual education workshops and speaks at public events.