I hate putting on a bathing suit. It’s irrational, to some extent, but very real. I am not alone. I don’t know very many women – over the age of 21 anyway – who like to be seen in their bathing suits. It’s scary. It’s the most surefire way to feel badly about yourself. It’s filled with the anxiety of “stacking up,” of being “hot,” of looking how the media tells you that beautiful women look. After all, you NEVER see “normal” women in bathing suit ads, calendars, movies etc….

I’m not an all-encompassing media blamer. There’s more to it than that. We are reflective creatures. Long before we had mirrors and mass media, I’m betting that we looked to the reaction of others to know whether we were beautiful or not. And I’m betting that when someone else got all the attention, we interpreted it as a personal short coming. Even those of us who claim not to.

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When my friend Suzanne started the Swimsuit Brigade For Honest Photos last year, I wanted to chime in and add mine. But I d...

When Tennessee passed their new Gateway Sexual Activity law, I laughed out loud. Surely, this was a joke, right? The Onion had somehow gotten control of…. NO? They were serious! It is written right into their laws that hand-holding has to be taught as a “gateway sexual activity” in sex ed classes in public schools. Hand holding is now pre-sex, and banned in schools. Which is going to be regrettable when people start posting photos of all those GOP politicians holding their children’s hands. Or when all those sweet pre-schoolers with hands holding that big long rope get classified as pre-BDSM.

What the hell is a Gateway Sexual Activity? Something that will eventually lead to sex, maybe? Like adolescence? Eyesight? Birth?

Here’s the thing about sex: Everything about us is sexual. Our sexuality isn’t this little thing that is neatly partitioned in one little aspect of our beings that can be brought out just now and then like a holiday elf that you stick on the mantle. Our sexuality live...

For those who may not know me, Michigan is my home state. Despite not being a large state, we still are home to many companies that are based in our pleasant peninsula. In addition to being the automotive capital of the country, we are host to the global headquarters of the Kellogg Company, the producers and inventors of corn flakes. Now as innocuous as this breakfast cereal may seem, its history is one that is filled with ulterior motives and lucky breaks.

According to the Seventh-day Adventist Church, which incidentally has its origins in Battle Creek as well, a low fat vegetarian diet is recommended as per their teachings. Church member John Kellogg was a physician and superintendent of The Battle Creek Sanitarium. All of the patients there were required to adopt this diet consisting of mostly bland foods. He believed that consumption of anything spicy or sweet would increase sexual desires, which he was in staunch opposition to. Go abstinence! The thought behind eating bland foods...

“I’ll never have a sexual life like other women.”

“I’m too wounded to have a good sexual life or relationship.”

“It’s just not in the cards for me.”

“Everyone else is fixable—but me.”

“My perfect relationship just doesn’t exist.”

I hear these things all the time from people—women, especially. People often go to a place of disbelief about having what they really desire because on some level it’s safer to believe they just can’t have it. If they just accept that they can’t really have what they want, they don’t have to do anything different, challenge themselves anew and risk the possibility of it being true. So they just decide it’s inevitable.

It’s only true if you believe it to be.

You create your life, every minute of every day.

This scarcity belief is a way to protect the self from further hurt and it keeps you small. If this sounds like you or someone you know, you probably come by this pattern in an honest way, probably from your family of origin. You learned not to ask ...

Who doesn’t get a little nervous before a first date? Hands up please. No one? Right.

Even if you are the most charismatic, confident, good-looking person out there, you may still feel a little uncertainty in your mind. Is masturbating the new pre-date activity to help alleviate those nerves? Most of us have seen that scene from There’s Something About Mary.

All joking aside, is this a viable option to cure a case of the nervies?

Can a pre-game O help keep your mind off of sex on your date? I am highly doubtful. If you are concerned with thinking about sex the entire time on your date, I don’t think masturbation will help keep you out of the mental sheets. If you are with your date and things are progressing nicely, you are attracted to them, you probably are going to think about sex. AND THAT IS OK! We are sexual beings. Your date isn’t going to be able to read your mind and as long and you don’t whip off the table cloth and take them right there on the table, you’ll be fine.

Mast...

When my life overwhelms me – which, as an introverted entrepreneur and mother, is often – I try to escape to the one place that I know no one will speak to me, The Korean Day Spa. I spend the entire day there, soaking, steaming, sweating, and watching the glorious variety of women move through this sacred space as the holy bodies that they are. Everyone is naked, as mandated by the spa itself. They come in all shapes, sizes, colors, styles, and when surrounded by them I truly feel as if I am part of something, some magic thing that needs no words or creed. The mere fact of our nipples and wrinkles and bulges, and the fact that we all look ridiculously bad in the little shower caps the spa makes us wear, is enough to refill my soul. If I were the platitude sort, some part of me would probably start singing, “I am woman, hear me roar,” but the rest of me would be all like “shut up, bitch,” and I would return to the silence that I so crave.

The silence is the point. Specifically, the sil...

I made my students repeat aloud “Sex is a skill,” as I was beginning the sexuality module in my college courses last week, their collective voices paired with open and uncomfortable grins.

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I am always amazed at how many people do not realize that yes, SEX REQUIRES SKILL! It does not come naturally. Nothing does, except maybe breathing. When we come into this world, we don’t know how to do anything—not even eat. That’s why there are so many breast-feeding consultants. Babies need to learn how to take their mothers’ breast into their mouths and suckle, and new moms need to learn how to teach them!
When we are born, we don’t know how to drive a car, play Frisbee or soccer, cook a turkey, or dress ourselves with style. All of these things must be learned. And so must sex.

Yet we have all these romantic notions that somehow sex is just natural, it “just happens” and, it’s perfect with “the one” you love, right? Gender roles have a particular hold on men in this ready-and-able...

In previous pieces, I have covered how sex is not a one-way experience (in ‘Don’t Lie Back and Think of England’), as well as how sex can be like an elephant in the bedroom when it comes to communicating any problems that might be occurring. This week, I would like to suggest ways in which we can get feedback from our partner after a sexual experience. And when I say sexual experience, I am not limiting it to just penetrative sex.

Open-Ended Questions

You can begin asking your partner what the sexual experience was like:

“Sweetheart, how was it for you?” or “How was it just now?”

If feedback is restricted to one-word answers or not forthcoming, you can elaborate by saying: “Ok… You know, I would really like to hear what you like about it and what would make it better. Could you share more with me?”

An open-ended question allows for your partner to communicate as little or as much as desired.

Breaking the questions down might be easier:

“How was it?”

“What was good about it?”

“...

Continued from Part 1 here...

Closed-Ended Questions

All of us would have inadvertently said something to hurt someone. Hence, when you try to get sexual feedback from your partner, their own fears of hurting you will come into play. They are not just worried of potentially hurting you, but also have a disbelief that you are genuinely willing and open to hear from them. It will take a while before your partner will begin to talk more openly about their sexual experiences.

If you have limited success with open-ended questions, don’t give up. This is where you move onto closed-ended questions such as:

“Did you notice when I did…..?” (Yes or No)

“Did you like it when I did it?” (If your partner does not remember, you could imitate what you did previously.)

“Was your orgasm the same, less or more intense than the last time?” (There is only one answer.)

This is where you can encourage further dialogue by reverting to a few open-ended questions:

“That’s interesting. Could you tell me...

Instead of comparing ourselves to porn stars (actors) and fictional characters, a little re-education is all we need to feel more empowered and have better sex. Read on as we dispel some of the top myths about the female orgasm.

The female orgasm is a wondrous thing, but when it comes to understanding the phenomenon, misinformation abounds. From the exaggerated displays in mainstream porn to the sure-fire simultaneous and almost non-stop orgasms of Fifty Shades of Grey, it’s no surprise that confusion and feelings of inadequacy have become the norm.

Instead of comparing ourselves to porn stars (actors) and fictional characters, a little re-education is all we need to feel more empowered and have better sex. Read on as we dispel some of the top myths about the female orgasm.

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Myth: The louder the screams, the bigger the orgasm.

Thanks to the fact that most of us learn what sex looks and sounds like through porn, we are misled into believing that earth-shattering screams ...