Use The Three F's For Effective Communication With Your Partner

Communication is everything when it comes to a relationship. It's important that you and your partner are completely honest with each other, and aren't afraid to express your feelings to one another. I suggest that all couples talk about the Three Fs: feelings, frequency, and fantasy. These F-words serve as stepping stones for effective communication with your spouse.

Frequency: How often do you want to have sex? How often do you think your partner wants to have sex? It’s likely that you think you know how often your partner wants it, but most people tend to misread their partner’s desire. If you want sex less often than your partner does, it’s likely that you overestimate how often they want it; if you want sex more often than your partner does, it’s likely that you underestimate how often they want it. So…you need to formalize the conversation! Write it down on a piece of paper: how often do you want it? how often do you think your partner wants it? Exchange papers and have a laugh and then have a discussion about how you find some middle ground.

Feelings: What is your core erotic feeling? (CEF). Your CEF is the feeling you associate most strongly with sex. It’s the feeling that helps get you into the mood for sex and facilitates sexual excitement and fulfillment - it is the basis of your erotic script. To identify your core erotic feeling, answer the question: how do I need to feel in order to get in the mood for sex? You then have to find ways to make yourself feel this way and train your partner to evoke this emotion in a way that works for you.

Fantasy: What are the core themes of your fantasies? You don’t have to share every detail, but you will benefit from highlighting patterns and the feelings associated with your fantasies.

For example, do you tend to fantasize about being desired? Do you tend to fantasize about feeling sexy? Do you tend to fantasize about feeling loved and cared for? Do you tend to fantasize about feeling threatened or at risk?