How to Talk About Sex in 3 Steps

Talking about sex isn’t easy, but it is well worth it to improve intimacy, develop a connection and heighten pleasure. Here are 3 steps to talking about sex with success:

Step 1: Be positive and begin with the easier conversations

Start by talking about what is already working and, offer compliments on those successes. This part of the ongoing sex talk may suffice for the very first discussion. You don’t have to move from “You’re a great kisser…” to “…but you don’t go down on me enough” in one breath. Sometimes it’s best to practice talking about sex by emphasizing the positive elements first. As you both become more comfortable with the topic (which takes time), then you can move into specific critiques. Here are a few lines to get you started:

“I love when you…”

“One thing that I really like is…”

“You’re the best at…”

“Do you remember that time at the theatre when you…? That felt so good!”

Step 2: Ask questions

We all have a lot to learn about sex and we’ll be students for the rest of our lives! Acknowledging your own limitations and expressing a willingness to learn and adapt will set the tone for your partner to do the same — at his/her own pace. Sex is the one activity that we engage in without any formal instruction or observation, so we need direction. Start the conversation with a few inquiries:

“Do you like when I…?”

“Show me how you like it…”

“In an ideal world, how many times per week would you want to have sex?”

“What’s your favourite part of your body (aside from the genitals) to have touched?”

“If I were to seduce you tomorrow, what would you want me to do?”

Step 3: Be sensitive when making requests

In addition to highlighting the positive and learning more about your partner, you also need to express your own desires and interests. They’ll likely be highly sensitive to your language, tone and body language, so try to be gentle and build upon what’s already working.

Try out these starter lines:

“I would love more _________ . You’re so good at it.”

“I had a dream about trying with you and it got me thinking.”

“I read an article about _________. What do you think of that?”

“I have the best orgasms from _________.”

“In an ideal world, I’d like to have sex (however you define it) X times per week. What can we do to make more time/find a balance.”

“One thing I’d like to work on is…”

Bear in mind that talking about sex isn’t a one-shot deal. It’s an ongoing conversation that can include laughter, tension and awkward moments. It is that tension and awkwardness that will only intensify passion and attraction later on. So relax, take a deep breath and start talking! You’ll be glad you did.