The Relationship Check-In

Happier Couples

The Relationship Check-In

28:31

 

This week we share our relationship check-in -- short(ish), sweet and unscripted.

Most couples invest in the start-up phase of their relationships (e.g. the wedding and honeymoon) and then they set themselves on autopilot without formally discussing their feelings, desires, goals and needs — until something goes wrong. By scheduling weekly or monthly check-ins, you can reduce tension, improve understanding and nip issues in the bud before they erupt into bigger problems.

Relationship check-ins do not need to follow a specific format. They can be semi-formal (e.g. a conversation with notes over brunch) or more casual (a text chain you update every afternoon). It’s up to you to decide what works for you knowing that the more you talk about your feelings, needs and concerns, the more likely you will be to meet one another’s expectations.

You might start with these three simple prompts:

How are you feeling right now?
How are you feeling in this relationship?
How can I support you at this moment in time?

Or you can take a little more time to delve into some additional topics:

1. How are you feeling today?

This is your opportunity to let your partner know where you’re at emotionally. This can help set the tone for the meeting, so be honest so that your partner understands how you’re feeling and responds with support.

2. How are you feeling about our relationship?

This is also an important question to ask yourself. Consciously consider how you feel about the relationship so that you can make changes and requests as needed. With kids, work and other commitments, we don’t have the time to resolve every conflict, discuss every moment of discomfort or talk about every concern.

3. Is there anything on your mind that is bothering, worrying or stressing you out?

Because you have your own life outside of the relationship, your partner may not know what’s going on with your work, business and friendships.

4. Is there anything you’re working on that you’d like to discuss?

This question might relate to health or fitness goals, something your therapist suggested you work on or a desired mindset.

5. What is on the horizon for the next week/month?

This is an opportunity to ensure you’re both on the same page. You might discuss schedules, workloads or family responsibilities. Planning ahead is essential to happy, harmonious relationships.

6. What can I do to support you?

The previous questions focus on how you’re feeling, and this one allows you to shift the focus to your partner. Don’t be afraid to ask for help and be as specific as possible when making requests.

7. How are you feeling about our sex life?

Most people don’t talk about sex until something is wrong, but couples who make sex talk a habit have more frequent and satisfying sex. When they run into sexual challenges (e.g., lack of desire or a decline in frequency), they’re equipped to work through the issue, as sexual communication is the norm, not an exception that becomes associated with problems. If this broad question feels too daunting, consider an alternative: What did you like about the last time we had sex?

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Rough Transcript:

This is a computer-generated rough transcript, so please excuse any typos. This podcast is an informational conversation and is not a substitute for medical, health or other professional advice, diagnosis or treatment. Always seek the services of an appropriate professional should you have individual questions or concerns.

The Relationship Check-In

00:00:05 - 00:05:05

You're listening to the sax with dr jess podcast sacks and relationship advice you can use tonight. Welcome to the sex doctor. just podcast. i'm your co host brandon. Wear here with my always. Lovely other half dr jess. Hey hey we are doing a relationship. Check in today amazing. Yeah well. I think we're overdue overdue. So we talked about this last week and we promised we try one as an example. We'll see how it goes. Maybe we'll just do a mini one but definitely encourage folks to try their own relationship check in before we get to that. I want to talk about a couple of things so first of all. I got a new button on my website. Always love a new surprise. You haven't pushed it yet. So folks often send in their feedback the instagram and via email at and i try and read most of it and all of it if possible get screened i of course and i think it's great to get this feedback and i want to share some of it with you today but i also thought it'd be nice to not have to listen to my voice especially as much so i've put button on the website so you can record your feedback for us so if you want to share a question or comment or add to anything on the podcast you can do it via audio via the button on the podcast. So it's sex with dr just dot com and it's the podcast page so it's slash podcast but it's pretty easy to navigate and you just hit the button and record you can leave us your message and you can let us know if you want us to play it on the podcast. So exciting news for me making these small decisions is very difficult for me. So i'm pretty excited about this button can tell that you're very excited. Actually be kind of cool to incorporate people's questions and stories. Yeah and so. I didn't have the button until now. I'm just announcing it now. So what i'm going to have to do is read some of your feedback. Now since it didn't go into audio but last week we spoke about ruined orgasms and a gentleman sent in his feedback. And what he says is the ruined orgasm allows me to stay iraq and you can come like five to six times in a row. That's what i use them for and he says he's not sure if this is a real thing but it seems like the hormone that causes the refractory time doesn't trigger in a ruined orgasm and i don't i don't know about that. I don't know if it's a hormonal process or a physical process. So that's pretty cool. I would love to hear from somebody who's a physician and expert in this realm perhaps leaving an audio recording. Interestingly there just isn't you know a wealth of funded research on orgasms rightly. There's you know research on the orgasm gap but they're not steadying every little thing the way they are with you know food and other areas of pleasure. Somebody else wrote in about tasting their own. Come oh my gosh you were supposed to taste your coming. You didn't do that yet did you. Well that i know. It's on my list of priorities. I just didn't get around to seriously. I am serious. I just around. For god's yeah. I've i did all admit i forgot hang on. Did you remember the other day like yesterday or whatever know. When the last time. I had the opportunity to it just slips my mind like get me a towel. I wasn't i didn't have a note handy and i'm like oh i gotta do this now. This is the whole thing. I i didn't want to incorporate work into it. Okay well oh i get it. I get it okay. So this person wrote in to say that he does taste his come so he says i've been listening to the podcast. I just wanted to say that. I am assists male heterosexual. I've been tasting my income for as long as i can remember. So people definitely do that. He said as a teenager he cleaned himself up after masturbating. Because he didn't have tissues and he says this might be discussing for some but at least if my partner doesn't wanna swallow because they don't. I know what it's really like. And they don't ha- i like that okay and i think this is the same person who says that. You're i'm not sure if this is the same person 'cause i hope i have a whole bunch of notes here but your recent podcast about size. Oh i think this is a different topic so we also talked about penis size. And i know this is such a touchy topic for people. I really want people to just feel good about whatever. They've got and not focused on size. But this person says your recent podcast about size and whether or not it matters was super interesting. My wife let me know a while ago that it's not about the size and i'm the perfect fit for her and he says i was thinking about your question regarding when size became an issue and thinking back. I think it was junior high about the same time. I started discovering girls and adult materials and the movie industry focuses on size and i think that can really affect some of us on both sides of the sex sword. Ooh the sword and he says. I remember in college that one of the girls. I dated told me that she had dated a guy who was much bigger than i was and she couldn't handle it anymore.

00:05:05 - 00:10:04

And as a guy. Of course i had to ask how big it was and she said it was while over eight inches and i knew the guy and you would never know that he was that big because he never let it be known and i wonder if he was afraid of being known for being too big and he continues there have to be some guys out there. That are fearful of. Just how large they are likewise. There are probably women out there who are afraid of having too much length staring at them so we do tend to be obsessed with being bigger right. No i mean. The first thing i think of is I actually i i mean. I've never seen the show sex in the city. I mean there's this mr big and it's all about. I'm assuming how big this person is so it's revered its desired by everyone at least going back to this question about in the in the media right so it is something that show so. I don't know. I really haven't. I'm not like if that's what it's about. Is it about his penis guessing that it is. We'll get corrected if we audio recording does your audio recording. If we're wrong and then i have this other comment that i'm so thankful for because you know we have to keep the podcast going and part of that is with sponsorships and i try and choose sponsors that i think you will like and this person rates in and just says dr just thank you for recommending the womanizer. That's one of our sponsors. Sometimes my wife has a tricky time orgasm ing. She is also pregnant right now. And despite all good and best efforts she hasn't orgasms in a couple of months but thanks to your recommendation. We tried playing with the womanizer. Starlet last night and she really enjoyed the experience. She had a fun really good really satisfying orgasm indeed a very happy ending for all. Thank you from tj from toronto. Who gave me permission to use that little nickname so and it's funny because we were out with my mom and my stepdad. The other day. I don't know if you remember. It was an early morning and a woman came up to us and said that she loved the podcast and she started chatting with my mother because she's also jamaican and then. My mom wanted to remind her that i'm not real jamaican that i'm chinese jamaican descendant and they had this whole conversation. And then i went over to use the restroom. And i ran into her again and she pulls me aside and says i didn't want to say this in front of your mother but the womanizer. You are absolutely right about the womanizer. So that was the same day that tj synthesis in so it was the day of the womanizer. And i will remind folks that if you're shopping at womanizer dot com. You can save an extra few dollars with the code. Doctor jess and i think they're having some big sales going on right now. I know that we vibe has some of their products as well but their sister company we vibe dot com for. I think it's like forty six percent off. Maybe it's forty five percent off but it's a big discount. Because they're doing some discontinued items. Some of my favorite items actually are being replaced by a new model and again you can save with code dr jess if you are shopping. So that's all the feedback. I'm going to share right now. Hopefully people will send in more feedback via our new. I don't know why. Just keep calling it a button. But i i like that. It's a button anyhow. Thank you to sandy for getting that button onto the website for us and so now. I think we should get to the matter at hand. Which is the relationship check in. You know i think most of us. We really invest in the startup phase of relationships rate. Like the wedding and the honeymoon. And then we kind of set ourselves on autopilot without carving out time to talk about our feelings and our desires and our goals and our needs until something goes wrong right like we wait until something's up and so by scheduling weekly or monthly check ins. I think it can really just help to reduce tension and improve understanding and really just allow you to nip issues in the bud before they potentially erupt into bigger problems and the relationship check in has we'll try and model right now doesn't have to be long. Ready can just be a couple of minutes. It can be weekly or monthly. Some people do it every day. Right they do like a rosenthal born like what was the highlight of your day. What was the challenge of your day. And they don't have to follow a specific format right so they can be formal. They can be semi formal. They can be a conversation over a meal. It could be a conversation as you walk it. Be something you do in the morning just to check in and see how the other one is feeling. And you'll see dozens or more of course formats like prompts for the relationship. Check in so. I liked the street questions that i like that. I think are fairly straightforward. The first is how are you feeling right now. How are you feeling in this relationship. And how can. I support you at this moment in time. And so how are you feeling right. Now is just an opportunity to kind of let your partner know where you're at emotionally. Your feelings. Don't always have to make sense. But they're obviously perfectly valid. And i think it can kind of help set the tone for the check in so just to be honest about what you're feeling in your body how you're feeling in the relationship gives you a chance to kind of bring up the good.

00:10:04 - 00:15:15

The challenges all that and then. How can i support you at this moment in time provides space for asking because i think a lot of us struggled to ask like you. Don't really ask for much. I notice no. I don't i don't know i don't and then the longer version. If you wanted to add some prompts questions into the relationship check in you might say you know. Is there anything on your mind. That's worrying you right. 'cause there's usually something on your mind like that all donald open a can of worms for some people and another question that you might add in. Is there anything you're working on that you'd like to discuss but could be interesting And then something a little more broad. What's on the horizon for the next week or the next month could one and then if you wanted to incorporate sex of course you could say how are you feeling about our sex life so i don't know how many questions i added there. I i wanted to start with three. But i think i took it up to seven. And let's say let's do a little version right now so i'll start with you today in this moment. How are you feeling feeling a little tired. feeling good and when i think about my day i feel a little stressed. I've got a number of things going on that need to be dealt with. So that's how it feeling at this exact moment what's going on with your day just a busy day a lot of a lot of balls in the air. I mean a lot a lot of a lot of balls at juggling at one time. So yeah i don't think i don't think everybody here's really interested in exactly what needs to be done today for me. Bless you say. I have a lot going on. That's just a lot of planning a lot of movement behind the scenes keeping everything organized and moving hopefully in the right direction so pre to a degree of of stress. So that's how i'm feeling and how are you feeling right. Now i had. I had full on had delivered the line again. How are you feeling right now. So i'm actually feeling kind of good when we started recording just ten minutes ago. I was feeling a little bit stress. But just chatting with you. Kind of soothe his soothes shoot. Chatting with you soothes that just a little. So i'm feeling a little bit more calm as you know. I'm feeling a little bit stressed about were because it's just not going back to normal and i'm not doing the normal things that i do and so i'm having to do other things in those place in the place of those other things and so that just is overall. I find that. I'm waking up feeling just a little bit stressed like a. I'd say three at ten. That's that's pretty good pretty good. I mean we could get. Let's let's get down. But yeah i hear it's high for me. Okay yes would. Do you normally wake up at ten stress. Why i have we. I'm i'm laughing here. But i feel like i wake up at like a six. Oh my gosh. Yeah and then i. I have to actively try to reduce that through the day through different breathing. Exercises physical exercises and distractions almost so. That's where i operate normally. So i've realized that and i feel like i need to take steps and i need to do things to help reduce it a six. Wow and so what did you go to bed at last night. Last night i went to bed. I'm trying to remember yesterday evening. Probably run a four okay and then does it. What's the lowest you got to in terms of like your lowest stress level throughout the days when you're working out or something Yeah i would say after. I do some exercises man. I'm i'm i feel a lot more physiologically relaxed. Probably like a two okay. Do you want us from the mile with me today. I do not want to swim a mile with you. I swam the slowest mile ever recorded the other day. I'm not a swimmer. But i decided to try and swim a mile and i got a lot of sea lice. I know that sounds like a gross word people but it's it's not like lice. it's I don't know what they are. I think the little eggs of the jellyfish stung but they bite and sting all over your body and how okay all right. So i guess we'll go to the next question. How are you feeling in this relationship. Feel good. I feel like we've been surrounded by so many people lately that it's taken away from the time that you and i have spent together alone and for that reason i feel like maybe i'm missing that a little bit so i don't know if i really described how i'm feeling exactly. Maybe it's a bit of missing because for eighteen months. We've spent so much time together. And i know for some people that sounds like it might be too much time spent together but i'm now realizing that we're not spending as much time together that i'm missing some of that and that might have also added frankly to some of my irritability added tear irritability. Just this change or this shift away from what we've had and i think you know that saying you don't know what you had until you don't have it and i do feel like that's something. I take a lot of comfort in this relationship. I take a lot of good out of this relationship so the shift again that we've had recently from work and social and things getting back to some degree of normal or at least some return has taken away from what i think i've had over the last eighteen months and now i'm realizing that i don't have it and i'm missing it a bit.

00:15:15 - 00:20:02

So is it the alone time you're missing so to provide some context for folks where we're with my family. That's not what i mean. It's not just that. I think it's more. It's not the the people that were around that it's just the shift and the focus. Now where you and. I aren't spending as much time together and frankly i'm just i'm missing that. Take a lot of comfort. I take a lot of pleasure in that. So i don't know if that really describes how feeling right now. But that's at least what i'm thinking and i'm trying to verbalize that into how i'm feeling. Okay consume the mile with me today. That will help with alone. Time v. longtime turtle. Yeah the turtles So let me ask you. How are you feeling in this relationship right now. I feel pretty good in that. I just feel like with the stress. That i've been experiencing that i can always just turn to you like i just feel very supported like i can turn to you and i know they just going to be on on my side. I feel a little badly. If i'm not spending enough time with you if you want more time because i'm hearing that i think i wanna think about like how do we carve that out like maybe even it's as simple as i you know i jump up in the morning and i start working. Maybe added should spend more time in bed with you. We've been going into bed earlier and chatting at night but we could do that even earlier or we could go do stuff alone if you want. All of those things sound great and when i think about what i want from you to help me get through this. It really is. I mean in my answering the next question. That's fine so the next question might be and it doesn't have to be. I just want to kind of reiterate as the outside narrator it doesn't have to be following a specific format. But yeah i mean i guess the next question in our prompt list is how can i support you at this moment in time so i immediately think. I don't need you to stop what you're doing Focus all your energy. I mean no no. No not at all i think. Yesterday we spent ten minutes just hanging out together having a chat and for me that kind of fills that bucket of what i need so i think you know two three times a day. You and i just have a quick chat or check in like we're doing now and maybe discuss just just have a discussion. I feel like that would satiate that desire. So yeah that's where. I immediately go. Okay and do you How can you support me at this moment in time this. I can't really think of anything specific i need. I think sometimes. I just need that sounding board because one of the other questions that we could use on this list is what's on the horizon for the next week or month and i always know what's on the horizon. I've always got everything kind of planned out for work and we've got a schedule and right now there's a lot of unknowns because of obviously the situation in the world's events are being canceled events. You're still being rescheduled. People aren't even booking events and so i just get a little bit stressed in that space. And so i think. I just need you as a sounding board which. I think that you already do like. I know that in the middle of your day like i know you have a busy day to day and you have a bunch of stuff. You're working on. But i also know that i can walk in at any moment and interrupt and like i need. You are just talk about my work. I think that's one of the things i value most about our is that there's this kind of back and forth with issues like i can come and say. Hey this is going on. Can you help me with this. Or here's a message. I don't know how to respond to you. Can you help me and you do the same. You'll you'll say like oh. I'm running into this with the client. How do i approach it or though you're going to say you appreciate that. I don't say anything when you your your your questions i actually do. I do appreciate and that's another exercise that maybe at another time we can do. I don't know if i've talked about it but it's an exercise from this fifty exercise course that i teach where you talk about okay when i'm feeling blank. I want you to blink. And so when i'm feeling stressed about work i want you to listen. I don't want you to immediately offer solutions or when. I'm feeling stressed about family. I want you to commiserate but i don't want you to pile on or when i'm feeling stressed about politics i want you to show me that your i don't know doing your own research and so it's the kind of formula is when i'm feeling blank about blink. I want you to blink. But i don't want you to blank and everybody's is very different right like when we've done this exercise you've said when you're stressed about work. You want solutions. Yeah in when you've said you're stressed about work. You'd rather just listen that i yeah and i do eventually want the solutions but i don't like when you chime in immediately because i it makes me feel like i'm not heard and so i think that's an important. I don't know how we quite got to. We got to that by having exercises.

00:20:02 - 00:25:05

Because i remember having that. When i feel blank i want you to blank and that was a bit of a revelation for me where i was like. Yeah i totally spew out answers when you don't want that you want me to listen first and then ask if you are interested in hearing what i have to say which was really helpful. I think is really helped me understand you better over the years. Yeah i remember when we did that exercise and it was actually on camera for the first time. And you're like. Oh okay. I get it and obviously our natural inclination in terms of responses to do what we want right. So you're giving me what you want. But it doesn't always work for what i want and so we have to cultivate that understanding so if we go back to the relationship check in. Is there anything on your mind. That's worrying you know. Not surprisingly no i i am a. I'm an incessant warrior about things but at this particular moment there's nothing that's really worrying the or or consuming me you. Is there anything that's worrying you right now. Yeah honestly it's just it's it's a work thing that i've just listen. I loved my job. I loved what i did. I loved working with people. I loved working with different groups and all the travel that came with it and i just have this little bit of a fear that it's never gonna come back and obviously i can kind of self soothe that fear. Because it's already coming back right. Like i have bookings into next year and i'm seeing that but i really really liked the work end this without sharing too much. This pivot to a different type of work. It's still interesting but it was more interesting a year ago when it was new like you know the how do i put this. So the speaking and the travel and the working with groups and the work of programs. Which is what i really liked to do. Like i call it speaking. But it's not really speaking it's workshops. I never grew tired of that. You know i could do it day after day year. After year and i got so much fulfillment and honestly so much adrenaline from it. Like when i think about my understanding of how. I may not be neuro typical and how much adrenaline dopamine and rush and fear and risk. I need the travel actually kind of just added to that end helped with my mood and so when i had to take on new things sixteen months ago in the absence of my regular gigs. It was a little exciting because they were new things but now those new things are no longer exciting to me and it. It's interesting that some will remain exciting for long periods of time and others won't and i don't know if i'm speaking to opaquely but i know babe you know what i'm talking about or exactly what you're talking about and i also on my end would love to not have zoom call again for like sixteen months. I would just rather honestly. I'd rather pick up the phone and old school phone. Call it with people. Do you know one thing i feel badly about is that there are friends who keep asking resume calls friends that i don't see either because of distance or because you know some of them one of them's immuno compromise and i feel bad because i just kind of keep avoiding it and it's not that i don't wanna see these people are actually really really want to hang out with these people. I just don't have the energy for the online hangouts unless it's absolutely essential like sometimes for work obviously have to zoom calls. Some people you know are dealing with things that are either small crisis crises. Or something like that. So i have to hop on but i noticed that like i was just thinking about somebody in my life in philadelphia that i really want to hang with and meet with and connect with but just can't put myself on that zoom call unless i'm kind of forced to immediately when somebody says let's zoom i think of work and when i'm working i'm happy to be working but when i'm not working i don't want to zoom. I'd rather just pick up the phone and catch up with you for five ten fifteen minutes over the phone so yeah i hear what you're saying definitely do and then the other thing i mean. There's lots of things kind of worrying me. I'm thinking about all this data we're getting about the delta variant and how it's affecting kids and how the kids are going back to school and what that means and i know that everybody's circumstances are so different break. We're based in toronto in canada. We have a obviously a fairly low infection rate right now. Because everybody's getting the vaccine and we're still doing lots of distancing and let's be honest only what thirty eight million people live in canada. So it's about one. Is it about one tenth of the size of the states on in a slightly larger area. Although let's be honest we're not spread across the country like we're in major centers like lots of people are spread across the country. But it's not. It's not densely packed. So that's on my mind to and then. I'm finding that because i have more time to reflect. I just worry about things a little bit more. Gosh don't tell me like the nation on one hundred the last sixteen months. We've had so much time to reflect on life on being on existing on your health on your mental state for me. It's something i've fixated on and i've had to. You have to live like i. I have to like you have to just keep moving on and not dwell at least for me. That's how i've i've decided. I have to move forward so we went a little longer than a relationship check in has to go anything you want for the upcoming week for yourself for me for for the world Greek question.

00:25:05 - 00:28:25

I think i like the groove that have gotten into with the physical health so i mean with you just these check ins. I think you know five. Ten minutes spent some time together when we can because we're around a lot of people a lot of family right now. That would be great for me and you. What do you need for me to support you over the next i. I want to apologize for all this wild background noise because the everything is air breaks here where we're at what i really want for myself. Is i wanna get into a relaxation mode. Like i'm in a place. I'm in one of my happy places right now. And i'd really like to find that relaxation mode that i'm having trouble accessing like we've been here for a couple of days and sometimes it takes a couple of days to get into it but i just want to find it. I want to sit and read a book. We're supposed to be on a notification but half vacation brennan's making a face at the noise. I think it's raining on top of our little hut right here. Just want to relax a little. Maybe i wanna read my book. I'm reading an older book for like. Maybe it's twenty years old. And i think i've been reading it for like two months at. I'd like to finish it so yeah just chill a little bit loose to help with that. How you going to read to me. I'm gonna re. I will read to you. You just saying that. No i will. I would much rather read to you. A book then to make up the stories that i tell to you at night to help you fall asleep because they all follow the exact same outline. This book is not an animal who makes friends. Yes yeah okay. So i guess that's our plan. I'll try and relax. We'll try and check in at folks. That was a long relationship check in. It doesn't have to be that long. It be something really simple. Like how are you feeling right now. I'm feeling tired. How you feeling in this relationship. I'm feeling like i need a little more time to connect. How can i support you. Well let's carve out ten minutes tomorrow just to to hang in chill so it can be nice and brief as well but highly encourage you to consider setting up your own relationship check ins. It can just be one question. If that's what you want it can be a free flowing conversation. There's absolutely no right way to do it. I think this was an act of selfishness on our part like it felt good to just have this little conversation for me definitely. I agree a little bit. Calmer maybe i'm down to a to. I don't know on my stress scale. I'm used to being at like a point. Five six drop down to a four. We're good all right. Well thanks babe thank you and thanks for tuning in as always oh. I wanted to remind you that. Adam and eve actually is still offering that fifty percent discount code. It was supposed to expire but it is on this week at adam and eve dot com save fifty percent on almost any item in the store plus free shipping plus a bunch of little free gifts. Courtesy of adam and eve use code doctor just to save and i had mentioned the womanizer earlier. Of course you can check out their site. But they're also on sale at adam and eve dot com. You can see what kinda discount you get on that. The fifty percent isn't on every single item but it's on most items in the store so do check check them out. Adam and eve dot com discount code. Doctor jazz thanks bay. Thanks for chatting and thank you for listening folks wherever you're at hope you have a great one and hope you take a couple of minutes to either check in with yourself. Check in with a friend or check in with a partner. You're listening to the sex with dr jazz podcast. Improve your sex life improve your life.