How To Have Bigger, Better Orgasms

Happier Couples

How To Have Bigger, Better Orgasms

29:45

 

You don’t have to intensify your orgasms, but if you want to explore techniques to do so, we’ve got you covered. We share easy strategies you can try tonight! We also discuss the Foot Locker ejaculator incident and sex in public parks.

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Rough Transcript:

This is a computer-generated rough transcript, so please excuse any typos. This podcast is an informational conversation and is not a substitute for medical, health or other professional advice, diagnosis or treatment. Always seek the services of an appropriate professional should you have individual questions or concerns.

How To Have Bigger, Better Orgasms

Participant #1:
You're listening to the Sex with Dr. Jess podcast, Sex and Relationship advice you can use Tonight. Welcome to the Sex with Dr. Jess podcast. I'm your co host, Brandon Ware, here with my always lovely other half, Dr. Jess. Hey, I have a question for you. Do you love sneakers? I do love sneakers. Do you make love to sneakers? I do not make love to sneakers. But you had to pause to think about it. I did have to think about that. Okay. Where is this going? We've got a story about sneakers and your home town of Brampton that we're going to be talking about. Brampton. That's right. The Btown. Okay, let's get started. I'm very curious. Okay. So we have a couple of stories we're going to cover before we get into one of our listener questions, which was short and sweet, how I like it. They want to know how to have better orgasms and we're going to talk about better orgasms. But there are a couple of stories in the news, one about sneakers and one about sex in public parks that I'm here to talk about. So there was a city park sting in Cincinnati that was cracking down on sex in public parks. At twelve, people have been charged. I was reading about the story and it seems that the police want to crack down on it. And the Mayor is saying, yeah, okay, fine, we can prosecute these things, but can we please focus on violent crime? And it makes me think about who gets targeted oftentimes. Gay men have historically been targeted for cruising or sex in public spaces. And it's a reminder that oftentimes people have sex in public spaces because they don't have a safe private space to go to. And then also I thought the story was interesting because separate from people who don't have a space to go, I think so many of us are drawn to having sex in public and having sex in the great outdoors with that nice kind of warm breeze on your bike. We've had sex in a park. We have had sex in a park. And I do enjoy a warm wisp of air on my buttock. Well, I don't know if Cincinnati is that warm this time of year. It might be like a cold cracksnap or something. A little chilly tickling the nads, something like that. But we had sex in a park. I remember. I imagine we've done it more than once. But the time that comes to mind was a gazillion years ago and we were in a park kind of in the forest, and we found kind of a private place totally off the trail. But then when we walked back onto the trail, a runner ran by. And then I knew him. He was like a kid that he wasn't a kid anymore. But when we were kids, we used to run crosscountry together. So I hadn't seen him since like 1995, actually, when we graduated from school, but I think it was the thrill of maybe getting caught. But it was super weird when the person I knew ran by. Yeah, you're kind of like, hey, nice to see you. What you doing way off in the dark part of the woods there getting eaten by bugs. Right. And we couldn't have gotten caught. We were being careful. And I think, okay, the reason I want to talk about this is that so many of us, almost all of us have this desire to at least try sex in the great outdoors. And then the fact that obviously the public park isn't the place for it, it puts people at risk. You risk violating people's consent. But I'm wondering, why don't we have spaces for this? Like, why are there not more spaces for people to explore this near universal desire? Okay. I know that not everybody is into it, but there's this excitement of breaking the rules, of getting caught, of exhibitionism, of just being Al fresco under the elements, whether it's the sun or the wind or, I guess, the snow or the pelting hail or the rain. And so, yeah, I think about desire. Down in Mexico, those resorts that I sometimes work with, the cruises that we go on, have spaces that are made for this, tailored for it. There are sex clubs, right. Oasis in Toronto, for example, has an outdoor pool area. Of course, all the ones in California and Florida have outdoor spaces. But why are there not more people want this? So, I don't know. Entrepreneurs out there get in on this sex park business.

I feel like there's also certain restrictions in major urban centers. Right. Like, I would imagine that there's zoning restrictions on what you can and can't do. And then. Oh, laws. Yeah. But I definitely think that there's a market for it. And even for people who don't want to do it, some outdoors, they also enjoy watching. Yes, but one thing I noticed that desire and temptation, which is another resort in Cancun, is that people are often having sex on their balcony because it offers this balance between, like, it's a little bit safe, you can go back inside after. But also there's the thrill of people seeing you, potentially seeing you. Yeah. The balcony sex thing I haven't ever seen. I've only heard about it, but I believe. What are you talking about? We've literally walked by people that desire and been like, hey, what's up? Oh, yeah, that's ground floor. They're on their patios. I don't know. Sorry, I forgot about that. But, yeah, I'm just thinking about temptation. I don't think I've ever bought any. The first time I went to temptation was to take a tour. And so temptation is different. I should clarify. So desire has a playroom and a Jacuzzi area where more stuff happens. Temptation isn't designed specifically for that because it's only topless optional. It's not bottomless optional. But still, I remember seeing people on the balcony getting it on. Let's just say I could see like 400 or I don't know, 200 rooms. That's the first thing I saw. I was like, that couple is doing it. Look what they're doing. And it was really far away. It's not like I was up close to them giving a high five or anything like that anyhow. I don't know, man. I think we need more spaces and more options and obviously not a public playground or anything like that, but something to think about.

All right, let's move on to the sneakerheads. So a Foot Locker employee, supposedly in Brampton Brandon's hometown, which is just outside of Toronto, represent it's a suburb of Toronto, has posted a video supposedly of himself jizzing into the shoe. So I'm going to just read the post. So he says, what's up, Snapchat? You're back on another episode of Naked D fly in the workplace. Oh, yeah. And then he's completely nude. So he says, So as you can see, we're at Foot Locker here. There's nobody else here, only my shit. And I am fully, completely, 100% sexy and naked. And then he pans down to prove that he's naked. And then he stopped short. So apparently and I think there was also a picture posted with the evidence of the ejaculate in the shoe. So, like, not Dick in a box. It's jazz in a box or something like this. And so we don't know who started this anonymous account where it was posted, and it's been taken down, but it's had like 100,000 comments and replies. But the rumor is that he is a manager at Footlocker at Bramile City Center. That was the fancy mall when I was a kid, right? Your local mall with shoppers. I was shoppers world. So let me interject and just say, I love my Brampton peeps. I was a Brampton peep back in the day, and I don't think that this is representative of what I recall of Brampton. So I don't want people to get a jaded opinion as to what they think Bramptonians are we're good people? And why didn't Naked D fly just stop with the nudity part? Why did you have to just go there and do that? There's so many violations on so many different levels here. You could have just stopped at the nakedness part, right? Well, it's interesting because it's funny to think about Jesus in a box. But of course, the outcomes of this could be really upsetting, really traumatic, really problematic. And you ask, why? And I think everybody always wants to know, why am I into this? Why do I do this? Is it sexual for him? Is it about degradation? Is it about getting out his frustration or anger or dealing with social anxiety? Does he experience pleasure in transgression? And I think there's no knowing. Right. But what I want to say is that this isn't new. So I started reading about this concept of semen terrorism. So I think it was a term that was coined in response to some really horrific acts in Korea and across the globe. And basically it entailed men ejaculating onto and into items that belong to specific women. So like coffee cups, knapsacks school books, and often for revenge for rejecting them. So we've had people who have been charged, they've served time in jail. And I think maybe that's a little different. I mean, both are problematic. But when you're specifically targeted, I think that would be really traumatic. Like, if that happened to me, I just think about times that I've felt violated and how sick to my stomach I've become. Like, if somebody did that to my possessions, I think I'd get sick, actually. And I've also read that for people enacting the semen terrorism directed at specific people, there's ties to, like, incel movements and really, of course, toxic notions of what it means to be a man. And just very harassing. I think maybe Naked D Flies in a different boat, especially because of his language. I actually didn't get to see the video because it was taken down. So I'm just reading the quote from blogtio, but I don't know. Brandon, go get your Branson people. You know, back when I worked at Kmart as a stock boy at the Shoppers World back in the day, I never got nude at work. I always wore my clothes. I felt that was the minimum requirement of my attending my shift. So I think it'd be fair to say that there is no statistically significant proportion of people taking their clothes off. Anyhow, it's a story. It's out there. I just want to speak to the fact there are many reasons that people do things like this, and we can't pinpoint why Naked D Fly did this. But I do hope that he gets the support he needs and finds an outlet for this that's more appropriate. And I hope that your shoes that you buy are beautiful. They're matching and they're not picky. They feel tight. I don't know why the size feels off. Can I get another size? Can I just say the funniest part? And what drew me to this story was Footlocker's corporate response. So Footlocker says Footlocker is committed to operating with the highest ethical standards, and this type of behavior is not tolerated. Really? Foot Locker, thanks for the news flash. The bare minimum. And they say we are aware of the incident and are taking the appropriate steps to address the situation and clean all shoes. I added that last year. Yes. What are the necessary steps there? Hey, employees, you have to keep your pants on at work, right. And also not yanked. Not yanked. Yeah. Anyhow, I'm sure that when we need to go Googling this, because when the news outlets pick things up, they have difficulty identifying people. But within the local circles, a lot of people know who this person is, right? He's already called out by name. They could deep fly. People are going to know who you are real soon. Yeah, so he's going to have to have a major career change. And Snapshot is not the forum for it. Maybe, like, only fans. This guy's on the wrong platform. Yeah, it's like you're in a stockroom or wherever it is, people are going to be able to narrow it down.

Right. Okay, enough about naked D fly. Let's get to our topic at hand. And before we do want to shout out our sponsor, Adam and Eve.com, offering wicked deals with Code Doctor Jess, you can get 50% off almost any single item, plus a whole bunch of free gifts. Free shipping, all that Jazz. They carry your classic vibrators, your more advanced app enabled vibrators. They carry all the beaded toys, the anal toys, lingerie latex wear, everything you can imagine under the sun. Adam and Eve.com code Doctor Jeff, I think I'm going to plug it right now. You should get your orders in with Valentine's Day just around the corner. This is right? Yes. Are you buying me something for Valentine's Day or you just want other people? I'm going to go on and use your code. I will say that. So the code is all on almost any item. So it's not every single item. Some of those higher brand items don't allow for the 50% discounting, but they're doing their best. They're doing their best people. All right, so I got a really simple question. You know, I love a simple question. And all it said was, no high Doctor Jazz. Nothing. Just how do I have better orgasms? And so I thought we could talk about different approaches to orgasms. Actually, let me ask you, because I know you hate being put on the spot. How do you have better orgasms? I can tell you how I don't have better orgasms. It's at Foot Locker. How do you know it wasn't a good orgasm? Yeah, that's true. Maybe it was. You know what? I don't like the illegality of that. So how do I have better orgasms? I haven't really thought about the process. I would say really focusing in on what feels good, whatever it is that feels good. Like focusing on what works for me. You know what I mean? Rather than focusing on you. Oh, okay. That's a great piece of advice to just focus on yourself. And when you say focus in, do you mean, like focus in on the sensation? Do you mean kind of like a mindful practice? Yes. But I'm also thinking to myself, this feel real good. I'm going to keep doing it. And I know sometimes you might say, I want this, I want that. I want this. And I might say, just hush your mouth. No, but those times I've said to you, just don't move. Just stop. And it's because something works really good for me, and I'm just focusing in on that and rolling with it. So when I do that, when I have an orgasm, it's way better. Okay. But when it's about me, when it's about you, there have been times I'm like, oh yeah, this is good for you, not for me.

Participant #1:
Okay. I actually think that's really practical advice to just be focused on your own pleasure rather than your partners. So for people who do struggle to either have an orgasm or have like a more intense orgasm, sometimes it is because we're worried about what's going on with the other person. And many of us need practice being selfish because we've been trained, we trained ourselves to make it all about kind of performance and how the other partner or partners are feeling instead of being like, hey, what feels good for me in the moment? Can I also interrupt and just say, another thought is edging, I've edged. So what does that mean to you? Well, just pushing myself to the limit of where I think I'm going to have an orgasm. And then I stop and I try to continue kind of keep getting to that point, controlling and then slowing it back down. And that way when I do finish and I do have an orgasm, I find it's much more intense. So you don't even need me here because you've got this. You can just answer this. That's a great answer. So when you edge, you get really close to orgasm, then you bring yourself down. Then do you bring yourself back up too close to orgasm? Bring yourself down like you do it multiple times? Yeah, I'll do it a few times or every time I can until I'm like, yeah, no, I'm at the point of no return. We're done. I'm done. I'm going to be done. Right? I love that. So that's just really about riling yourself up so that you're ready to explode when you finally get there. And that's something you can do to yourself or you can do to a partner. And I think that people who are good and bad. And I always think if you're listening to a podcast like this, you're open, you're already learning, you know, what you're doing. You probably are feeling, like fairly confident and just really willing to put in the effort. But I do think one of the mistakes we make when we're good at something is we do what works and we do the same thing kind of over and over again because we're like, well, I'm good at right? Like with a recipe. I'm like, well, this recipe is so good, I'm just going to do exactly what I always do. But then maybe if I add a little more ginger, it changes things. I mean, not that everything is full of ginger, so maybe a little less ginger for me. But really, I think that's a really big piece for people who are already good in bed when you're like great lovers together is to not go to your money. Move right to slow it down and just make that thing want to burst. So I love that brand. And that was actually on my list, like, mentally nice. Yeah, you got it. You hit it right away. So rile yourself up slowly so that you're just ready to blow is one option. Tuning into your own pleasure, as Brandon said, from a physical perspective, just looking at multiple pathways of stimulation. So if you normally stroke your penis and that feels really good, maybe play with your nipples, maybe play with your prostate, maybe put some pressure against your perineum, maybe even just, like, run your fingers gently between your thighs and see how that feels. Because obviously, multiple pathways are going to create multiple communications to the brain that you're enjoying these overwhelming sensations. And to get a little bit more specific, you have multiple nerve pathways in the pelvic region, right? So you have the hypogastric nerve, you have the pelvic nerve, you have the pudendal nerve. We believe you have deep extensions, perhaps of the vagus nerve, which wanders throughout the body to create more full body sensations. So if you normally have an orgasm from, I don't know, using a vibrator against your clitoris, try adding internal play. At the same time, if you normally have an orgasm from penetrative intercourse, try adding a vibe to your clitoris, because, like, the clotoris, the cervix, the vaginal canal, the GZone, and similarly different parts of the penis and the prostate. And the balls communicate with the brain via different nerve pathways. So if you stimulate multiple nerve pathways, this is like a bit of an oversimplification, of course. But if multiple nerve pathways are saying to the brain, oh, my God, this feels good. So good, so good. Orgasm, orgasm, orgasm, it can be all the more intense and overwhelming. So definitely think about multiple pathways to intensify the orgasm. And then also think about using toys. So vibrators really can deepen the sensation. And when you're thinking about vibrators, I think it's so important to consider the prostates in both bodies or the G zones in both bodies.

So for those who have a penis, you have a prostate that's accessible through your butt. And the prostate is often referred to as the Gspot. And there are many toys and vibes you can use against it. There's one called the Anaros Helix. So I'll post a link in the podcast notes for that one. And it's been around for years. And it uses the tension of your own muscles to create this really subtle movement. It's super ergonomic. They come in. Daenerys makes toys in different sizes. They've been around for a long, long time. Really cool, simple, non motorized technology. I think they also have some vibrating ones. But I'm more familiar with the nonmotorised called an arrows. And then, of course, I think I've spoken about the we vibe vector in the past, which vibrates with a bulbous insertion into the anus against the prostate. And then the underarm extends externally to Vibe against the perineum and hit the inner spongy tissue of the bulb of the penis. So when we're talking about Vibes, we're also talking about multiple pathways, multiple areas of stimulation. And then if you have a Gspot, that's vaginal. So again, the Gspot or the GZone is not inside the vagina, but you access it through the vagina. I'm going to recommend a toy. I don't know if I've talked about this toy before. I've definitely talked about the brand because I work with them. But the womanizer duo is a super interesting toy, and I'll put a link to it. But the womanizer duo, it almost looks like some sort of a Star Trek spacecraft. And the external arm uses that pleasure air that feels like kind of suction and pressing and vibing and licking outside around the head of the clit. But the internal curved bulbous arm applies these really deep rumbling sensations to that G zone. And so, again, you're stimulating both internally and externally. The vibrations are that deeper frequency, not like a high buzz, like, oh, my God, the new toothbrush. We got buzz at this annoying rate a Babe, I need you to get. Yeah, I could use it on certain other body parts and probably take a lot of pleasure out of it. I wouldn't do that, but I'm just saying it's too high frequency. I wouldn't want stripping the enamel off my teeth. Yeah. Anyhow, so I shouldn't even put that in the same sentence. But what I'm differentiating between is that deep rumbling sensation of the womanizer duo. I think that's definitely going to intensify orgasms. If you want to intensify orgasms during PV sex, penis and vagina sex, or Penal and anal penetration. Definitely a vibrating penis ring can do that. Can I say something about the vibrating penis rings? Even if you enjoy them, they can also be used in other places. Okay. For instance, taking we've used the pivot before and taken that and you can press it against other body parts against your perineum. Feels real good. Also using it just for you, like, for instance, for your partner. Right. I could also take that off during sex and use it on you as well. Absolutely. Yeah. I think that's an important piece. You don't have to buy every single sex toy because you can use them in very, very different ways. Like, you can have kind of off brand use. So multiple pathways using Vibes. Definitely fantasy. Right. So being able to tap into your most powerful sex organ, of course, is your brain and the things that you allow yourself to think about, to go anywhere, to enjoy anything, to envision yourself as a different being. Right. Like, you can envision yourself feeling differently or acting differently or playing a different role or even like being in another body. If that feels good for you. There's really nothing off limits when it comes to fantasies. And I know a lot of us have trouble tapping into our fantasies. So one strategy to kind of figure out what your fantasies are and keep track of them involves just keeping a fantasy diary. Like, any time you have a sexual thought, anytime something turns you on a little, any time you see a scene that feels exciting on TV, kind of just jot it down so you have something to refer back to. And then if you really have trouble just using your mind, of course you can use erotica. I have a code for Erika Lust films, so you can take a look at some of that. Erotica Afterglow is another really interesting site created for women by women. So of course, I know not everybody is a woman here, so it may not be a fit for you, but watching videos can help to intensify your arousal and tap into your fantasies. Reading stories like there's lots of litterottica online. I think there's a site called Litterotica you can look at and then to kind of roll it back a moment if you want more intense orgasms. Part of it is just environmental, like setting the scene, making sure your phone is off, making sure no one's going to disturb you, like playing a white noise machine so that you're not distracted by, like, a dog or a kid or a roommate in the next room. I think those things are really important and also thinking about multiple senses. So we tend to get focused on touch, on the physical sense of touch during sex play. But if we tap into sounds and what sounds turned us on, what words, what sites, maybe even taste and smell, I think it's a little less common for people actually, smell is a real turn on for me. And when we think about bodily fluids, taste can be a real turn on as well. So think about engaging, like three senses at a time.

And then if you're already having an orgasm, think about continuing to stimulate whatever body part is feeling really, really good right through the orgasm. Because a lot of us stop when we're coming. We stop what we're doing. We hold tight, we don't move. We just want to enjoy the moment, which is perfectly fine. You can absolutely do that. But some time when you're masturbating, experiment with pushing through the sensation. Like, if you normally stop stroking, keep stroking. If you normally pull the vibe away, hold the vibe there, and just breathe through the orgasm and see if that intensifies the sensations or prolongs the orgasmic contractions. Or for some people, that actually leads to multiple orgasms, which we're going to talk about next week. So consider, like, pushing through, that's not something you do, right? Like, you tend to stop. Yeah, I do. You have to do what works for you, too. Absolutely. But would you try it just to see if it intensified? Yeah. I mean, that's the one thing I feel like I'm willing to do is try different things just to figure out, do I like it or do I not like it? That's your after hours homework. That's my no, you have to go do that this week and report back to us next week. I will. And you're going to be like, It felt so good. I had multiple orgasms. Or you can be like, no, it kind of felt like my Dick was raw. Oh, man, I don't know. It's different for everyone. And so that's why we're giving so many options. Like, you're not going to do all of these things. But if you pick one and give it a try, and then maybe next week or next month, try something different. You might find that your orgasms are more intense and then getting a little bit more playful and specific with sensations. If you want to intensify your orgasms, try adding the opposite of the sensation you usually use to get to orgasms. So what I mean by that is if you tend to, for example, grind or vibrate really hard against your clitoris to have an orgasm at the same time, try a soft, more playful tickling sensation elsewhere on your body, because the dissonance between that kind of firm rubbing and the gentle touch can actually be really overwhelming and intensify all the sensations in your body.

So similarly, if you tend to have an orgasm from stroking really quickly, like using your hand to stroke your penis with a strong grip, have a partner. If you have one, hold on, punch you in the face. No. Okay. If you're into that, that's a different thing. But have a partner touch another area kind of really slowly and gently. So it's the exact opposite of what you're doing, because those opposing sensations, what they do is they create curiosity and awareness and even a bit of confusion in the brain and body. And that in conjunction with the overwhelming chemistry of orgasm, like all those chemicals flooding your body can actually be really exciting, really overwhelming. And for some people, it can be euphoria. And so the same goes for pain. Like, if you don't have it experimented with pain, maybe it's just like a little pinch of the nipples, maybe it's a little flick of a certain area, but that endorphin release can be so exciting. So definitely think of experiences that maybe are a little bit more subversive. Right. And just play with those opposite sensations and just see where it takes you. So you've got a whole bunch of options here. So Brandon talked about edging, we talked about multiple pathways, we talked about using vibrators, we talked about setting the scene, using all five senses, stimulating through the orgasm, playing with pain, adding the opposite sensation of what you usually use to get to orgasm, focusing in on only your pleasure. Oh, yes, I left the first one out. Purpose surprise. This is about me. And then the next step, I think, is to play with multiple orgasms and see how your orgasms change, whether it's your first or your second and really thinking about how those orgasms can intensify. And I should add that when you have an orgasm, you have a set of contractions in the pelvic region. And those contractions begin with, like, contraction. Number one and two are closer together. Two and three get slightly farther apart. Three and four and so on and so on. And they are an average of zero, 8 seconds apart. Now, of course, everybody is different. Every experience is different. But you can intensify those orgasms sometimes by playing either on the contraction or between the contraction. So this is like a very specific technique, and I don't want it to get too obviously cerebral or prescriptive. But if you're having an orgasm and you can feel the orgasmic contractions, consider taking your hand or a toy or even just using your pelvic floor muscles to press or squeeze in between each contraction and then allowing it to release and keep that pressing or vibing or squeezing or pulsing or whatever it is you're doing going in between each contraction. And you might find that the contractions prolong. Like, you can keep going and going and going. This is not scientific research or anything like that. But obviously, I talked to a lot of people about their orgasms, and I try some of these things on my own. Some people find that that pressing, squeezing, vibing, or pulsing works between each contraction. Some people do it on each contraction. So you're going to have to experiment a little. And that's why I think master reading and self pleasure is so important, because it can be more distracting to do it with a partner or take away from their experience if you're actually kind of taking note. So make the time to do this right. Like, make the time to masturbate. And I think if you try one or two of these techniques, you're definitely going to have what you asked for, which is better orgasms, not in a box of brand new shoes that could potentially be sold to the public. Poor naked fly D or D fly D fly.

All right. I feel like that was a mouthful. I'm kind of out of breath, and I think it's from sometimes when I'm describing the techniques, I'm thinking about them, and I'm like that felt like a lot. So thank you for tuning in. Thanks, Babe, for sharing your best advice. The best advice always comes from you. Not at all. But thank you for sharing those little news updates on what's happening in the world. Yes, no sex in public parks and no sex and shoe boxes. I guess that's our motto for the week, folks. Instead of sex and shoe boxes, play with a toy. Adam and Eve.com code doctor Jess to save. Please do check them out. As Brandon said, get those orders in for V day and if you are going to celebrate V day, celebrate a few days early to surprise yourself, surprise your partner and celebrate whether you're single or partnered or monogamous or consensually non monogamous or just not sure what is happening wherever you're at folks. Thank you so much for tuning in today. We'll be back next week talking multiple orgasms and how to have them. You're listening to the sex with Dr. Jess podcast improve your sex life. Improve your life.