Hot-Husbanding Threesome Q

Happier Couples

Hot-Husbanding Threesome Q

10:04

 

What is hot husbanding, and how can you pursue a threesome safely? Jess weighs in on a question from a hot-husband wife in this quickie episode.

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Rough Transcript:

This is a computer-generated rough transcript, so please excuse any typos. This podcast is an informational conversation and is not a substitute for medical, health, or other professional advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the services of an appropriate professional should you have individual questions or concerns.

Hot-Husbanding Threesome Q

Participant #1:
You're listening to the Sex with Dr. Jess podcast, sex and Relationship advice you can use tonight. Hey. Hey. I am flying solo today, excited actually, for a listener question on Hot Husbanding. So we've talked before about hotwifing and we had a hot wife and her partner on the show not so long ago, but we have never talked about Hot Husband and not easy to say husbanding. So I have a lovely note here and I'm going to read through it because it's a little bit long and I want to keep in all the pieces. She says I'm a straight woman who is very happily married to my husband of more than 30 years. He is an incredibly devoted husband and father. We are very interested in participating in FFM. Threesome. So two women, one guy. He proposed it early on in our relationship before we were married or had kids, but I wasn't ready at the time and we are both totally on board now. I've done a ton of research, I've extensively read online articles and forums, I listened to every podcast on the subject, I watched your Ted Talk about monogamish marriages, among other things. And we're very open in our relationship in that we discuss crushes, discuss what we would like to do in bed, what our fantasies are, et cetera. I would like to participate in what is called Hot Husbanding. I have no interest desire to have sex with other men, but I find the idea of watching him be intimate with another woman super hot. I've always gotten very turned on talking about his previous partners early in our relationship and when we've gone to strip clubs on two occasions. I found it incredibly erotic when he received a lap dance and I had no issues with jealousy. I don't want anything hardcore as we want to ease into something like this, but thought we could bathe hot tub together, all three of us rubbing, touching each other and move on to massaging each other. Maybe end with an orgasm for her and a hand job or blow job for my husband to see how we would react to the situation in real life. We don't want to swing or have a poly relationship, but we'd like to experiment with this to see if it would be something we could see ourselves enjoying on occasion. We have talked a lot and we both feel we are ready to make the leap. But I have some concerns. Number one, we are on the older end of the spectrum. I'm 52, my husband is 53. We look like we're in our mid forty s and she asks sorry, I'm just skipping some of the identifying information here. Is our age going to make it impossible to find a match? Number two, we're concerned about contracting an STI even if we practice safe sex. Number three, we're really concerned about uploading pictures with our faces to an online app. We have two adult kids and wouldn't want them to find out. And number four, lastly, from what I understand, lots of bisexual females are interested in couples as they like the idea of playing with a male and a female partner. And in our situation I feel that would really limit our possibilities because we just want to participate with me above the waist only. Any advice would be much appreciated.

So firstly, thank you so much for sharing this and super thorough description of the situation. It sounds like you're already completely on the right track. I want to say first and foremost that Hot Husbanding, although we don't hear about it as much, is actually quite common. And this experience of being turned on by your partner enjoying themselves is also common across all types of relationships and all genders. And there's so many reasons why you might be into this. It might be a matter of conversion where you simply experience joy through another's joy. So when somebody else is enjoying something, you care about them, and so you derive fulfillment from that. For some people, what I've heard is that it's really a matter of subversion in safety. So you get to subvert the norm of monogamy and enjoy a sexual experience in the safety of a partnered experience without centering yourself and without having to be too physical yourself. And I've heard from so many married women who feel more comfortable with this arrangement because their husband is the more sexually engaged party. And in the context of shame around female sexuality and pleasure, this feels like a safer foray into the world of non monogamy. And for some it can help them to shed their sexual shame and subvert sexual norms. And we have to remember that for those who can get pregnant, this continues to be a source of distress and distraction that actually detracts from sexual pleasure. And in the context of row, this has been further intensified. And we already have some data on how the overturning of Roe is affecting sexual pleasure. And of course, I'm kind of a little off track there, but there is this piece where you can enjoy the sexual experience without the same stress that for some people comes with the physical part. And I'm not suggesting that there's stress for this person. Sounds like they just know what they want and that's pretty cool.

For others, Hot Husbanding is about power. They enjoy that they're partnered with the object of someone else's desire, like they won the prize, so to speak. And some even play with the power dynamics in which they help to pick and choose potential partners. And there is this element of consensual control that becomes eroticized. For others, Hot Husbanding is simply something that excites them. It can be an emotional experience that plays with a range of feelings, from power to jealousy to delight to joy and of course, everything in between. So there are so many layers that appeal about Hot husbanding. And so you're perfectly normal. I love how much consideration you've given to the topic and to your own boundaries. I would encourage you because you have kind of these specific desires for your first time. I would just encourage you to consider that you may find that you want to explore more or less over time. So I'd just be open to allowing your boundaries to evolve. And I think your questions are pretty straightforward. So are you too old? You're asking? No, age is a number. You don't have to look younger or act younger. Find someone who's into you so young. I don't know, fifty s the new thirty, thirty s the new twenty. Who knows? But yeah, go ahead, go for it.

Number two, with regard to STI, so if you are engaging in sex with new partners, you want to make sure that you're testing regularly. You can use barrier methods like condoms, since it sounds like for you the genital play is going to be specifically with the penis. Oh, I guess maybe somebody would also be going down on this other person. So you could also use dental dams and the insertable female condom for that. Oral and manual sex, which you've been talking about, are lower risk for some STI's like HIV transmission, and condoms are going to further reduce the risks. So go practice safer sex. And don't forget that testing is an important part of same for sex because the most common symptom of many STIs is no symptom at all. Number three, you're worried about identity being leaked with these online apps. So yeah, you don't have to show your face and it's pretty common in some of these apps where you're not showing your face so you can upload your bodies and cover your face and don't take a picture in front of your house with your address with the number sign behind it or don't take a picture in a really recognizable place if you're concerned. But I highly doubt that your kids are on the same apps that you're using. And if they are, they're probably just going to swipe away because they're also on that app. So I don't think you have to worry about that. And then your last question around whether or not you're going to be able to find someone because you see more bisexual women who want to play with both men and women.

I think that you're really clear about your boundaries. And so I think that as long as you really articulate that to anyone you meet, you're going to be just fine. But I just also want to say make sure that when you're looking for this third person that you're also asking them what they're into and what their boundaries are and what their desires are so that you're not prioritizing just the two of you and ignoring the other person and sexual being in the threesome. Which is something that happens with couples privilege of course you're in a relationship and that's your absolute first priority and you want to protect that relationship. And in doing so, it's easy to get lost in just focusing on yourselves and perhaps not thinking about what that beautiful, amazing third party this human being wants. So make sure that you're really kind of being considerate of that. And I think I did a podcast previously with Luna Matata where we talked a little bit about that. And in terms of finding people, I think that it might be worth checking out some of the newbie nights at sex clubs because when they do the tours, you'll get to know people and people will ask questions like, is it your first time? What are you into? And you'll get the opportunity to tell people, hey, we want a hot husband, we want to try this style of threesome. And even if they're not the person you're going to hook up with, the more people you tell in that safe, confidential group, I think the more likely you are to find what you're looking for. And they also have meet and greet.

So if you have the opportunity to go to one of those at either a private club or a sex club and just let people know where you're into, you can even put some of it in your profile online to help weed out people who perhaps aren't a match. Your question? I love when I get these super straightforward questions. I'm hoping my answers were fairly straightforward as well and it sounds like you're on the right track. I love that you're doing this in baby steps. I love that you're not diving in because you just figured out that this is a fantasy yesterday. You've been talking about it for 30 years, pre marriage and pre kids and I don't know, I'd say now is as good a time as any, so go have fun. And I hope that this has helped a little and I hope other people will also reflect upon this and their desires and what they can do to kind of break down their desires and try new things and not be afraid to do something that subverts the norm because there's so much pleasure and eroticism and just that. And I am going to stop there. This is a quickie one. I'm not good at quickies, but I did it. And I'm going to wish you all the best in exploring all of your fantasies and having all of your sexual desires explored in every possible way.

And of course, if you are exploring new sexual fantasies, you may want to do just that with something that vibrates, something that twirls, something that curves. Adam and Eve.com is still offering 50% off almost any single item, plus free shipping and free goodies with code. Dr. Jess. So don't forget them, check them out. Adam and Eve.com, you're listening to the Sex with Dr. Jess podcast. Improve your sex life, improve your life.