Learning to Love Yourself — Especially When Dealing With Loss, Grief & Shame

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Dr. Ava Cadell shares her journey from growing up in an orphanage and surviving assault to working as a nude model and becoming one of the most well-known sexologists in the world. Ava shares a wealth of information from her personal and professional journeys including:

• Exercises to heal from loss and self-hate
• How to find your own voice after trauma
• Strategies for loving yourself after the loss of a loved one
• Neuro-based exercises to break familiar patterns
• Strategies for improving body image and rewriting scripts about love, sex and intimacy
• The role of art therapy, empathy and meditation in healing
• Free resources for those dealing with grief, loss and shame

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Rough Transcript:

This is a computer-generated rough transcript, so please excuse any typos. This podcast is an informational conversation and is not a substitute for medical, health or other professional advice, diagnosis or treatment. Always seek the services of an appropriate professional should you have individual questions or concerns.

Learning to Love Yourself  Especially When Dealing With Loss, Grief & Shame

00:00:05 - 00:05:18

You're listening to the sacs with Dr Jess podcast sacks and relationship advice you can us tonight. Hey Hey it's just Riley here your friendly neighborhood sexologist. I am without the love of my life partner in crime. Mister Brennan wear today because because I am down in our head to think about that Austin Texas for a clinical training so yesterday hosted a training session on how how lenses and lessons from consensual non monogamy research can be applied to all relationships including monogamous relationships ups and one of the folks who was a part of this clinical audience mostly therapists and counselors and educators in the field who. I really don't have anything to teach but she was there for her. Cu Credits is Dr Eva KC and Asec Certified Sex Counselor. The author of eleven books and and the founder of Love All g university and that's love univ- dot Com and Eva. I've admired did your work long before. I think I'd even heard the word sexology. So it's pretty humbling to have you in a training but also to just sit and chat with you and we have a a similar story so thanks for being here. Oh thank you for having me now. You have been doing this a while. I would say so over twenty five years and how did you got your start. Well my stock came from adversity because I was born in Hungary during revolution smuggle to an orphanage in Austria Austria raised by strict nuns. Who made me believe that sex was evil and my body was so dirty that it would be a model send then if I touched myself and so I grew up a very confused? Teenager had horrible relationships and when I hit rock bottom I decided I need to find out everything I could about love relationships and sex and so where where do you start. How old were you? Well I started in London where I became a nude model? Yes and you're really beautiful in the in these well but I did that out of you know rebellion really. I say I'm a fallen in Catholic however I consider myself quite spiritual and I believe in Karma but I don't like religion that uses guilt to control people mm-hmm because I believe that love and sex the most precious gift we can give to somebody who's worthy of it exactly and so so nude model auteuil is that well no I was. I was in nude model for the sun the Daily Mirror. They had a page three. Go if you ever heard of that. I also posed in a lot of men's magazines when I was very young and it was the only way I could make an income to take care of myself because I didn't have any parents and so how did you transition from modeling and I think you're a pretty famous from what I saw. How do you transition from sex symbols? I say I went from sexual abuse. I was very much abused as a child and raped and tortured and then I became a sex symbol bull in London And then I came to America and I wanted to become a sex expert worked because I got a lot of Fan Mail and you know you have. You had a show on playboy. So did I. And people think that if you're attractive and sexy the you're automatically sex expert so I would get all these fan letters asking for my advice and I thought you know. I'm shooting from the hip here and I wanNA give the people advice as so I still had not found a healthy relationship and I became a sexologist for myself. If I wanted to overcome all the guilt and shame that I had been raised with and I wanted to find a really healthy love relationship for myself myself and you did I did I did. I spent twenty five years with my soul mate and he passed away unfortunately. And even if I don't find find another soul mate I'm okay with that but I have a feeling I will i. Yeah I mean I went through some really really scary things that could have turned me into a man hater or a sacks hater but it didn't it actually made me not a good sex counselor and so that would have involved a process of healing So can you describe what your personal process of healing from the sexual abuse from a sexually repressive upbringing.

00:05:18 - 00:10:01

What did your process look like and I know you have some resources for others but interested in your story I well it begins with self love? I I hated myself. I thought I was unworthy which is why people punished me. And I didn't feel attractive at all when I was at my height of my i. You know youth I thought I was ugly and even when I was a model I just thought well I have big boobs. That's all they just want me because I big boobs and I was always taunted in school. They called me rubber lips giraffe neck and matchstick legs. So I never felt pretty at all so my healing began as I said I hit rock bottom and I think a lot of people need to do that before. They're ready to pick themselves up and and say okay. I'm going to learn how to love myself. A nobody teaches you that so I teach people that is in my healing courses and and I do retreats for Women Healing Retreats For women and I have lots and lots of exercises one exercise. I have is to draw one outline of your body and then to color in read the parts of your body that you hate and then when I do a retreat I get the women to come up and explain why they hate that part of their body so you know common parties stomach for example and then I I said well. Let's think about all the good things that you get. What are the benefits of having a stomach? I mean you got the nourishment A lot of if these women are our mothers we talk about them giving birth we talk about how the miracle of life and and your organs and and if you look for something good you'll always find it so if there's anything you hate about yourself. My recommendation is to look at it in the mirror. and think of all the benefits. And what you would do. If you didn't have that part of your body. I mean that sounds like gratitude. It is is it because there are people who can't injust food the way we in who can't digest food right away we digest food so we can sit here and hate our stomach stomach or we can sit here and complain that we're bloated or are we can be thankful that you know we go to the washroom at will exactly. Yeah we swell because we ate something something delicious and doesn't mean you can't change what you eat right now. You and I just came from breakfast where we had grapes and eggs and chocolate croissants. I know we're so blessed that we can do that. There are so many hungry people who can't do that and I was born in Hungary and I was raised hungry. I never had any food so I literally steal bread from a grocery store and sugar and I would just covered in sugar. And that's what I ate hence my my dental bills does that make you a more mindful eater do appreciate I am such a Foodie. No I love food way too much much. I should be more mindful but I'm not I just I just love. Food is such a passion. I mean it's a basic instinct. Probably it's I basic instinct and then sex being second basic instinct. There's a synergy between both of them. Do you think that people who are really into food are often really into other carnal pleasures. Like sex I do. I do like a A good dancer a good dancer. A good lover. Yeah all right and it's interesting when we talk about dancing some people think oh. I'm a good dancer. I'm not a good dancer but I was a workshop the other day and somebody came. Aim to lead us in a quick energizing program called Soka size so it's still commute so those of us from the Caribbean are loving that. And she said something the thing that really resonated with me which has dances. Just how your body moves in response to sound. It's not good. It's not bad if you're moving moving to the music in a way that feels good for you not thinking about necessarily the moves not worrying about what people think you're going to dance with skill uh-huh and I thought that was really cool because some people were feeling uncomfortable and the whole room got really into it folks really experienced and dance folks. Who maybe you you know dance more to the troubles in the bay kind of thing so I like that idea for dance? Yeah the thing is so many people so inhibited and part out of my healing was overcome.

00:10:01 - 00:15:04

All of my inhibitions. I had so many and the biggest fear was actually public speaking because I had a voice like a little mouse is when I was a child. One reason is I wasn't allowed to speak just another one of my traumatic experiences. It is and so I think you have to face your fears. Otherwise they do become self fulfilling prophecies and that fits from a therapeutic nick perspective into the cognitive behavioral therapy model. If you have a trigger that makes you anxious you tend to avoid it but that only only intensifies the associated response or anxiety whereas if you expose yourself to that stimulus or stimuli that result in that anxious response response you survive. And the anxiety begins to erode away which is why in cognitive behavioral therapy. If there's something that makes you nervous whether it's public speaking king or getting naked in front of you know your partner yourself or having sex with the lights on we create an exposure less to hire key so where where you're doing little bits of it at a time and then you feel some anxiety but you realize that it's never as bad as you thought it would be and eventually the anxiety subside. So it sounds like you were doing that before. You even understood these models exactly because I did not have a mentor. So took me much longer than it takes some people today because there's so many resources out there and and of course really good therapists and counselors as well and you have you have a resource for folks looking to. He'll from trauma I do right now. I'm giving away my book. It's on healing solutions for you. And that's the number four and just the letter you and it's filled with exercises to help people heal from loss Loss of a person which I can relate a two since I lost my husband and so there are exercises that you can do such as you know writing the letter talking to them and saying the things things that popped you didn't get a chance to say and There's also healing from loss of money home in Malibu where I live. There was some terrible fires and people lost everything and they just didn't know what to do. And so I've shed things from grief counselors to There's he linked from sexual abuse of course and even sexual harassment Healing from divorce. So I think we all need healing at another thing. They don't teach us in general when we go to school college. They don't teach us how to love how to forgive. Forgive and how to heal and that's the most important thing about life is learning those skills. Hey because inevitably we will all suffer for loss and some can be more seemingly devastating. Losing your everything you own or losing your partner but for other folks it. It's the loss of an opportunity or the loss of even a friend because over the years we we lose friends and we don't talk about how to manage that loss the way we. We'll talk about divorce. How do you can you recommend If you've lost a friend either to death or just they've moved on from you. Can you recommend an exercise for beginning to heal Well with my husband. I certainly talked to him. I still asking from his advice and he does give it to me Meditation is very powerful to. I have some meditation scripts I narrate. I'm on the part of the course Gosh there's just so many different exercises you can do but it all comes back to self love and compassion and empathy and listening to your body tells you so if you have a broken heart I recommend you have a dialogue with your broken heart and you give it an entity it can be a child. You can call her whatever you want. You can call her little jess and you just talks a little yes and you. You ask her what she's feeling and she'll tell you your body never lies to you and a lot of my clients and even friends have had a piff unease. I know I have had a piff. Unease and art. Therapy is so powerful. I love therapy. And it's so easy for example take three pieces of paper and a number one. You draw how you feel right now a number to each role how you you want to feel and number three you draw.

00:15:04 - 00:20:01

What is stopping you? What is the obstacle that stopping you from getting to what you really want to feel in life incredible epiphanies? I love that and you don't have to be an artist. You didn't how strong wrong fine motor skills. I draw at the level of eight even better a hat. I give my clients Crayon what I need. It's funny so I was in Jamaica. Maybe a week or two ago and I met an art therapist on the beach and what she said is that art. Therapy can be a lot more honest than narrative therapy or talk therapy or other forms of therapy. Because you can't if you're not expert at art which most of us are not you can't filter what you draw. We filter our our words because we use them every single day almost every hour of the day but she said there are breakthrough shall see an art therapy. That shall never see in session when it's talk therapy because it forces something out of you you don't know how to fake it. It's true so that's a really interesting exercise. I appreciate that. That's one thing I love about your work. And we share a lot in common in terms of really trying to be specific with our strategies. And we're not suggesting that they're perfect. Fake prescriptions and that if you do what we say you will solve all your problems but if you pick a few of these strategies you've already offered several. You're probably going going to see that one opens your eyes to something new within yourself or helps you to come to a new place. You mentioned for example. Drying your body Eddie and colouring the parts that you don't like red and then talking about why you don't like them and thinking about the functionality and what you appreciate and that such a specific way. It's a lot more specific than just love your body or appreciate your tummy. But what does it really do for you and that reframing because because you said you started hating yourself and you learn to love yourself if that's part of how we can learn to love our body. How can we learn to love ourselves? There is sir an exercise or an approach for that Definitely positive affirmations which everybody's heard of course but using them during meditation and literally just saying I love myself. I am perfect. I am I'm healthy. I am appreciated. I am smart. I am sexy I am successful the more you say these positive addictive mantras. Actually they're more they're more than affirmations mantras. You know you can think it you can say it. You can conceive it believe it and only then will you achieve it. You really have to feel just like you have to feel sexy right gybe sexy. It's all in the head I mean. Brain is the most the Roddick organ in the body. But it's also the smartest and what we put in our head. We're completely responsible for even if somebody says something bad to you. You don't have to put that in your head you have control or you have exercise or influence over your thoughts more than other people. Doing you've written about this. This you've written about Neuro plasticity you've written about neuro love all Aji. What does that mean? What does neurology refer to well? It means the science hands of love blended with neuroscience and like you when I do a book turn it into a will tour and program and I wrote that book because I found that some people for example who speak from the left hemisphere of the brain to somebody with the right hemisphere spear of the brain a talking to different languages and I really wanted to help people to communicate and express love so that their partner would understand and of course. There's some partners who both left brain right brain but that was a big part of it and then also I wanted to share all the chemicals that we have in our brain that turn us on that turn us off and that book has over two hundred Niro sizes which are exercises to help. Grow your brain brain cells and grow your love life at the same time and sex is one of them. You know if you want to to refashion your brain cells and be more sexy than pick up a copy of the idiots guide to Kama Sutra One of my books and start doing all of those sexual positions with your partner. What a great way to grow brain cells right and you? That sounds good to me.

00:20:01 - 00:25:01

Great finish the night. Start the day and you don't have to enjoy them all. I think sometimes we think that every sexual experience has is to be a bomb. It has to be mind blowing but sometimes you do things just for the sake of trying them. Yes and also for the sake of keeping your relationship fresh and I loved your lecture yesterday and you talked a lot. About non monogamous relationships ships and I teach coupled how to be monogamous but how to had the variety and some some of my exercises include writing an intimacy menu for each other. So at least we appetizers to choose. Choose from Right which are all for play from kissing and you know erotic talk and massage whatever you want. And then the main course ECORSE can be intercourse in one of the Kama Sutra positions like the Queen Bee which is one of my favorites where the woman sits on top and she circles circles using her hips and gyrates and then the side slide is one that I made up. It's a position where the woman sits on the man facing the CY and so she slides back and forth on him and that can be a really interesting form of stimulation and and of course she can also play with herself at the same time and maybe they can reach multiple orgasms simaltaneously So that could be a the main course right or could be oral pleasure or pleasure or using sex toys and there's fabulous sex toys out there and then for dessert the intimacy desert can be calling about an APP. I'm hot and I'm I'm hoping INAP- is on this menu somewhere. I won't so bay I do. You Love Sandwich after sex. I knew I love Sandwich after anything after dinner and a lot of calories jess will not me. I don't have too much of the work But all of these exercises that you and I give people so powerful. It improves the quality of their lives. So you know we're on this planet for a very important reason we do leave a legacy and for such a short time that you have to. I feel enjoy life like I don't know if I have seventy five more years or five more years so I wanNA make sure I make it count and and not cold myself back because of expectations expectations cultural expectations expectations from upbringing. And really release any shame that we're either raised with or we carry for other reasons. It is that something that was a challenge for you given the upbringing. How did you even begin to release the shame? Well it took a very long time. It's a over a decade and it was about forgiveness I needed to forgive myself All the negative self talk doc. It's in my head. I had to stop punishing myself and I had to stop caring about what other people thought of me. Dear God how do you do that well. It's not easy because I was always judged when I was new model I was judged when I became an actress. I it was judged when I became a sexologist. I was judged when I became public speaker and such a people pleaser that I was miserable and then it was. Actually when I was experiencing terrible pain. Chronic pain I suffer from something called TriGem neuralgia and I've had two brain surgeries for me. The one successful that I said okay. I have to look at this as a gift a gift so I can help hope others and do the same thing with my guilt and my shame they were gift they just weren't wrapped in pretty bows and as soon as I. I looked at all of my issues as gifts. My life changed. I started helping people and the pain wasn't as bad. I still have pain but I can manage it and the same with the guilt and the shame. That's gone completely because I've helped so many other people overcome their guilt and shame that it's completely healed and it sounds like gratitude is at the base of this as well well so You know how do you even take the first step to see something so damaging and burdensome as a gift. Where can I begin in today? If I haven't even started this process you can literally wake up and say okay from this day forth. I'm going to have a positive attitude. No matter what the universe throws throws at me.

00:25:02 - 00:30:02

I'm going to look for the good and I'm going to help somebody that needs my help. Who has the same issue as as I do? When I was at the Dalai Lama's home in India? He said the path to enlightenment is education and sharing your knowledge with others. So you and I are on Pat Swell Lightman sharing my knowledge whether you like it or not I got a loud voice in it travels. It's interesting so underpinning these specific approaches I keep appearing gratitude. I hear kindness and empathy so the sharing of your knowledge supporting someone who is facing a similar challenge. Helens to you is really interesting because I wonder if we can see the pain and others in a different way than we see it in ourselves so if we're trying to reframe a pain point as something positive tim just cognitively speaking can hard to. It can be difficult to do that on your own but when I see it in someone else I have. That arm's length distance distance. And I might be able to help them and in perhaps helping them. I'm helping myself and this may be in a professional capacity but it can also just be in a personal personal capacity. You don't have to be necessarily giving advice you could just be offering love and support and you could be sharing insights. which is what I hope most people are doing doing because in our field we do see people who maybe don't study but share advice and I wish we could have more people sharing insights rather than expertise tease right exactly? And that's what I've done. When I created La Jolla g university that is me sharing all of my knowledge about love relationships intimacy and sex and I think every adult around the world should have access to positive accurate information on this enormous topic? So you're absolutely Louis right about sharing and sometimes just listening just listening to somebody who has a problem because I oh I do believe we teach what we need to learn the most interesting so I need to learn blowjobs. It's so cute. Well I did do. I didn't instructional video with a hundred blowjob technique. Okay yes so you see. Maybe there's one you don't know ooh there are plenty. I don't know trust but I liked what you did with the microphone yesterday. That was great group like that. They got all silent no to be clear so this was a clinical training. It had nothing to do but somehow I was talking about how therapists can help their clients fulfil their fantasies of of clients. Come to you and one of them wants a specific thing like a threesome and the partner says no way. No how. How can you still extract thematic elements from from that threesome so that both partners feel fulfilled? But you're not putting the relationship at risk or pressuring anyone so I was talking about. Okay I want a threesome. Brandon doesn't and what can we do well we can watch threesome in a movie we can watch it important we could write the story of a threesome. We could be alone talking about how how we're GONNA do it another day we can weave the fantasy we can get into it and I was saying that a specific move you could do. Is the two tongue. Move where you take your finger and you slathered in lubricant and you slide it all around your body or your partner's body so in this case I'm gonNA use a penis because because I had a microphone in my hand and you're licking up and down that microphone with your fake tongues with just a a wet finger and then you add your tongues. It feels like to tongues and you talk your way through you. Say Oh yeah. Don't you want to feel to Tung's on you always talking to so and so about you know doing this together and yes of course I wanNA share you and you deserve this and I want to give it to you. If you're really good I'm going to bring someone else in and you weave that fantasy fantasy and you play with it and then at the end I might say Babe. Don't even think about it so you can play with that threesome. Fantasy can be absurdly hot and not have the three some other options. You might go to a sex club and be in the vicinity of a threesome but never physically participate. Hey you might be standing over at the bar some sex clubs have one way mirrors so you can watch you might engage a cam model so these am models online and have this virtual threesome. You might invite someone in eventually to sit and only watch you and never never touch. You might go to a massage parlour and have a non genital massage together but erotic and then you. Guys get all riled off riled up and then they leave the room and you finish off together now.

00:30:02 - 00:35:26

Let me be clear. You don't have to do all those things. It's not a Chris sandow that eventually gets closer and closer to a threesome. What I'm suggesting is that you can pull out little pieces of your fantasies? The underlying emotion. Do you want to feel overwhelmed. Do you WanNa feel like all the attention is on you do you wanna I feel powerful. Do you WANNA feel submissive. When you find those thematic emotional experiences you can break fantasy down in a way to find middle the ground if you're committed to fulfilling one another's not fulfilling but considering one another's needs absolutely? I love what you said yesterday about planning a fantasy he is going to have a better result. A better outcome than if you just do it really spontaneously and sometimes living out a fantasy hennessy. In fact is not that enjoyable we were looking at some of the the threesome data and what we found. Is that you know. It doesn't always have a huge effect on the relationship. Sometimes people will say okay. It was fine or I felt neutral about it or it was a little bit of a letdown and we make things bigger than they are so this one one study a two thousand eighteen steady by Morris Chang and knocks. They talked to two hundred people and about thirty ish of them had they had one hundred ninety. Six participants in fifteen fifteen percent had had a threesome and in terms of the effect on the relationship about half forty eight percent said it had no effect on their relationship ship. Seventeen percent said they felt closer after and fourteen percent said that they leme charm just trying to remember. Fourteen percent said that it caused tension in the relationship and seven percent said that they broke up but fifty percent almost are saying it doesn't have an effect. It's just something we did now. I'm not suggesting that you approach an interaction. If you're a monogamous couple with this kind of levity God will have no effect. No I mean we went through in the clinical training yesterday probably fifty questions that singles and couples need to ask themselves in session either with a therapist or on their own before they even consider sitter a fantasy like this that the bottom line when it comes to sex's we're not we're thinking about it but we're not thinking about it from the Lens of you know emotion Even critical thought were just thinking and fantasy. We're not thinking. How does this affect me? How do I feel about this emotionally? What insecurities do I bring to the table? Aw what distress do I bring to the table. How does that show up in my body? We need to consider sex more seriously instead of just thinking about it from stroking ourselves off perspective Jeff but people who are not therapists. Don't think like that. They just have a threesome on their bucket lists and they want to live out the fantasy before they die. I saw you and I we have so much in common. It's really interesting. And if you know my work you know that I travel all over the place from from Europe to Asia Asia and the states and the Caribbean to do these sessions for executives and for entrepreneurs and actually is my predecessor and contemporary. But you were the first to do this with these two big groups that I work with you paved the way. And you're really one of the only people in the world world that works with these particular populations and I don't know if you've found this but one thing I'll do. The group oftentimes is ask. Ask them by secret ballot to share something they really want to do. And in every single group in everything from Johnny Guard to Hong UNCON- to Albuquerque threesome. Always shows up on the list. Did you find that absolutely I did. Yes and so do anal fantasies sees by the way and sex in public another one so yeah you know. Sex is universal. I mean first of all we all Wanna be loved left. We all want to be a good lover but I think everybody wants better sex no matter how good the sex is and you and I have this gift of helping people to create more adventurous sex than they can even imagine. And that's why you know we're both so passionate about what we do and we do have a lot in common. I mean I see you and it's like Oh my goodness that's how I was when I was her age. It's beautiful and I am. I'm an ardent admirers. Were I really am and I think you. You're not even at the tip of your success. I'm about to come down no no way. Hey I mean I think you're going to be bigger than Dr Ruth. And she's pretty small eighty bitty. I got hired that now. I'm interested a little fit in. How neuro exercises can be involved in love so love to give you a couple of scenarios and maybe you could offer Shimon suggestions? So Oh for folks who are having trouble dating and they say they're always attracting the wrong tape and you know all say you're the common denominator there or they're are finding that dating is challenging either because of the kind of voluminous nature of messages and connections or because people are measuring one another up and Swiping to the next person.

00:35:27 - 00:40:03

How can you think differently to to change the outcome so that you are more successful in dating however you define that? I know that everybody's goals in dating or different right. So we we get into patterns. Because is their familiar whether they're healthy or not. And so our brain cells are used to that and it's an automatic reflex to choose the same kind of person. Listen whether it's based on looks or intelligence or money or sex so if you want to change the pattern Dan you need to rewrite your story and when I do meditation I say want you to visualize that you are the actor so the producer the director and the star of your own movie now first of all what is your movie called and secondly who is in the movie with you. What is the location? And who is the partner. It's a love story. Just start describing who that love love interest is what do they look like. What do they do? What do they sound like? How do they touch you so creative? Visualize ation is a wonderful way to to reprogram your brain cells. And how do you feel in that visualization. How do you feel and that's where vision? Boards are also very useful. Can you tell us what that is. Yeah so every year I make a vision board and I put it right in front of the toilet that I can see it every single day. Hey and I put sometimes ten things and if five come to fruition. I'm happy how do you make a vision board so you you put pictures you find pictures on the internet or even in magazines or you can draw pictures of how you want to see your your love life your home life your professional life your spiritual life Your family life you you decide what categories if you want but what you want to accomplish what your goals are visually and you put on a big piece of cardboard and you put it somewhere where you can it every day. So the bathrooms really good place. So is the kitchen right on the fridge. And for example if you want to get married next year you really WanNa get married start visualizing the person you're gonNA marry the place you're gonNa live you know. Put the picture of the House us where you WanNa live and really just look at it every day and you will change the scaffolding of your brain in the ways of thinking yes. The negativity is an interesting one and let's be honest. There are a lot of things in the world happening. Where I I understand why people are feeling negative? Why people are feeling traumatized? And so I'm not talking about the big stuff like the oppression that surrounds us but if we just kind of look at dating it seems is that people have quite negative attitudes to dating culture and I wonder if we shift the way we think about the outcome. It does it affect the outcome. And I'm not suggesting that you know you can manifest anything. Obviously you know there are circumstances and you can manifest people But you have to be careful full. I've manifested people. Since my husband died I started dating and the first person I manifested walking on the beach in Malibu and I said I really want to date a man who lives in Malibu near me and I want him to be spiritual. Maybe a Buddhist. I want him to have a really good career and I even want him to be a little bit younger than me. Within a week I met that man but I forgot to manifest mental health to manifest no addictions. I forgot the important stuff. And guess what else I forgot sex to me. All the time time we are powerful and actually manifesting in nature is really the best place to do it. I don't know if you saw on the news news but there is came out today that in the UK doctors can now prescribe nature as a prescription options. I love it I love that. We don't tastic in most places. In North America. People are driving so they don't spend much time outside you know. I'm really lucky in the city of Toronto. Even though we've got cold cold weather you walk a lot of places right like I can.

00:40:03 - 00:45:04

If I'm in town for a week I might get in my car one time sometimes no times like the really. The only time I get in the car is to go to at the airport so unlucky to spend so much time outside and I read an article the other day saying take something that you do indoors outdoors so one of the things that that I discovered a few years ago is that I don't have to take meetings at a coffee shop or at an office. I'll take meetings and we take walk meetings. I love the and I'm trying to remember now. Okay I'm not going outside when it's really really cold them not a cold weather person but I like the movement and I. I just love being in the outdoors and you can do. Walk Counseling Yes I love that now you know you mentioned manifestation I wanted to Also suggest kind of the flip side for folks who maybe aren't aren't as visual or folks who struggle with visualization. Maybe more like me even a list of what you're looking for are and I don't mean you know the specifics of I want my partner to be over five five or over six feet. I mean what are your core values. What are you looking for? Because sometimes sometimes people will complain that they can't find what they're looking for but then they can't describe to me what they're looking for and they'll just tell me I don't want someone who I don't. Okay forget your don't wants to a moment and tell me what you want because oftentimes we don't know what we value in a partner and so how are you possibly a going to find it but be how are you going to communicate your needs to your partner. If you're not clear with your cell phone what they are and I love writing things down Like lists either. If you tell someone to write list of what they're looking for they'll come up with twenty different things and then you have to say to them. Okay now cut in half what you really want. And then they have ten things and they you say okay now. Cut that list in half. 'cause you're not gonna get everything on your list and I it's interesting because we were talking yesterday about Compromise versus versus alternatives. And we were talking about this. In the context of consensually non monogamous relationships versus monogamous relationships in monogamous relationships. Were always talking about compromise and with compromise comes this notion of sacrifice which is not particularly positive if we look at the con the consensually non monogamous. I'm just going to say C.. The NFL folks the CNN plans. We understand that we don't necessarily have to compromise on everything we can look for alternative sources of fulfilment and. I'm not talking about sex. I'm saying if I want tons of affection and Brennan says you know what just you're smothering me. We could say. Oh we have a compatibility issue or I could say all right. Well where else can I get affection. And can I hug my friends. Can I snuggle with my dog. Do I have kids I can only with no I have no. Don't both have that in common. I had a Pomeranian called Romeo. We didn't. I know that you had a Pomeranian. Lead no see. We have so much in calm. I love a Pomeranian. I woke up this morning to sexologist. Megan sending Ma videos her playing with Pomeranians. She's and she has a pit bull. Yes that's right. Gorgeous dog shouted to sexologist Megan but back back to the dating scene. A lot of people wasting time meeting people. They're not even compatible with. I recommend that you do facetime. Oh yeah yeah because the only thing. You're not really going to be able to measure chemistry. Although you can see a lot you can hear the voice you will see the background of where they. Aw Aw you can you see the way language. Yeah you can hear what they say. I'm telling everybody did facetime or skype. They would. It's not waste so much time going on dates for breakfast lunch and dinner every day spoken like a true Los Angeles is like it can take me two hours. I get to Santa Monica when it should take fifteen minutes so we're not going to get out there and drive out the gas and the road rage and the parking and I feel you because you know when I'm back home in Toronto. I don't want to travel great distances. Either now before we go because we do have to wrap up. I'd love to just get one more neuro exercise for folks who are in relationship and they're feeling A lot of resentment or they're feeling stuck with their partner. They're just really really pissy at their partner and that happens to all of us at times James it can be a temporary thing or it can be a thing that lasts a little bit longer. You know weeks or months. If I'm feeling really frustrated what can I do to think differently and I really appreciate my partner and maybe I used the word the answer and the question. Well first of all you need to express your feelings in your partners partners modality which not only is his or her left or right brain prominent hemisphere so the right brain is more creative more artistic So they take longer to get to the goal and the left brain just wants the facts. Okay left brain person might be a lawyer and accountant somebody who likes numbers.

00:45:05 - 00:50:01

Okay just says I WANNA have sex right now with you okay like me or no. I don't like you today right. I don't like your behavior okay. I'm leaving but the right brain person is like oh well. I'm feeling really romantic. I would like like to maybe have a bubble bath. Essential massaging A romantic dinner so we speak different languages but the other modalities these are also important. And that's whether you are a visual person kinesthetic person or an auditory person so you have to know how to communicate your wants needs fears to your partner so if your partner is visual then then you know that they're going to listen to you if you have your conversation wearing lingerie right. Oh naked honey. I have something to say to you. Don't just look at my boobs. Look at my is this is really important sweetie or where the location those data. Yeah and a kinesthetic person you know you hug them and you hold them and you look into their soul through their eyes and you say there's something I think I need to share with you. I mean it's all how you even more important than what you say. I wonder if a visual person to would be open to a note because they can read what you're saying as opposed to hear what you're saying what I think. A note works for everybody especially even the person writing the note For the most awesome important in with the note is to start with praise. And I know you agree with. She said yesterday so. Start with something. Complimentary I love our life together. uh-huh and then go into what you need. You don't say but I I love her life but when you're on the ground I hate everything doc I love our life together and then you know the I I feel we could have more fun more intimacy better sex. If you and I spent more quality time I am on weekends where we just stay in bed longer where we cuddle where we watch movies where we haven't to cause so you have to be specific. We'll talk about about that law that expressing your knees with specificity really increases the odds of getting what you want and people don't know how to do that so multiple choices a good. Okay okay. Yeah so honey. Would you like to have oral sex tonight. Would you liked to have intercourse. Would you like to watch porn. They'll tell oh you oh porn my then intercourse mine is brandon. Do you want to watch Amazon. Prime video or Netflix tonight multiple choice. This is a fantastic right. Yeah going whether it's going to restaurant making love even conflict resolution. Oh you just brought something up. That's so important to me. Because couples always was joke the they spend half of their relationship trying to decide what to eat for dinner. And when your when your partner says what do you want to eat tonight. I actually think it would be really helpful to say. Hey Babe do you want Chinese. Do you want pizza. Do you want Sushi exactly especially for folks who have trouble making decisions. Brandt my partner Brandon Who I really wish was here? He he can't really say oh. I want this eat. He'll doesn't really care that much and he knows that I'm obsessed with what I eat. I don't WanNa waste him but giving choices would make me feel like. He's actually contributing so. I really appreciate it. If you still can't come up with it right it on three different pieces of paper and then throw them all up in the air and tell him to pick one. Okay I I like that and so I think before you even get to that. If we're talking about letting go of anger and resentment shifting the way you think to focus Zong gratitude like. I really appreciate my partner because right and I've mentioned this before that I'll wake up in the morning sometimes and put my head on Brandon's chest and just hear his heartbeat and be thankful that that this muscle is moving. Hasn't if that muscle stops moving he's not here and remembering that you know he i. There's guarantee that he's always going to be here so I wanted. I appreciate every day with him even if we've been fighting even if he's frustrating me and so it sounds like gratitude underpins underpins all the work you do. Its part of meditation. Part of you know how you approach people with empathy to help others to help yourself really appreciate all of these perspectives perspectives. And I. I think it's so amazing that you're also giving away your book on healing at healing solutions for you dot com and we're gonNA link to that and your Love University if People WanNa take. Courses Is Love U. N. I. V. Like UNITIVE DOT COM. So thank you. Thank you so much for being here. Thank you for the work you've done in this field.

00:50:01 - 00:50:56

Thank you to you for listening. And a big shout out to desire resorts for their ongoing support of this podcast. Desire has multiple colluding luding optional locations on the my Rivera. I'm going to be heading to their crews along the south of France in May we're going to cons for the cons film festival. AW WE'RE GOING TO MONTE CARLO Monaco for the I'm GonNa get it wrong. I don't know if it's F one Grand Prix but there's a bunch of fast race cars and we're going to be able to get naked and have some fun on the boat so check them out at desire experience. I know they have some cool specials on that cruise right now as well wherever. You're have have a wonderful week. We'll be back next Friday and every Friday with a brand new episode and and you're listening to the sex with Dr Jazz podcast improve your sex life improve your life.